200 Days Down–A Lifetime To Go, Gracefully

Okay, I’ll admit it…When I had weight loss surgery I was focused on that first year, of getting to that ‘finish line.’  It’s something my nutritionist has been slowly dripping on me about ever since she met me.  I know there really is no finish line when it comes to health but I did get caught up in the first year post-op craze of making it the end all be all.

She would say things about how this is for life and how it’s so much healthier to let our bodies unfold–and unfat–in their own due course and how with thyroid disease my journey is not always going to be in my control.  All things I know.  But honestly in the beginning I was so caught up in the rush that all I really heard was “Blah, blah, blah.”

Sorry Michelle and thanks for being so beautifully patient and supportive.

So what changed?

My scale battery died.

And it did so on a week when I was too busy to rush out to replace it.  I live in a rural area so it’s a 25 minute round trip to the nearest store which might carry the right size button battery.  Instead of making myself crazy trying to work in a special trip, I just let my scale sit there in the dark under the bathroom cupboard.

Of course, that meant I was also in the dark about the numbers it displays.

As you know, I’m super anti-goal weight but what you may not know is I weigh myself daily.  Daily weigh-ins are a tool.  But, to help manage my chronic edema which is a side effect of an injury over six years ago.  The injury damaged the veins in my left leg so sometimes the fluid pools in my body and I have to use a diuretic to help it escape.  When I was heavier, I didn’t always feel the water weight gain.  I didn’t always see it either.  After gaining over 20 pounds overnight a few years ago, I decided I couldn’t rely on my own body dysmorphic eyes to show me the water retention and started the daily weigh-ins, reluctantly and at the insistence of my physician.  Water retention of that magnitude is taxing to the body so I know it’s the right thing for me.

However, now that I have had weight loss surgery those daily weigh-ins can eat my brain.  Oh sure they were cool in the beginning as the pounds were flying off my body.  Now, not so much.

My thyroid is wigging out big time so I’m stuck more than I’m unstuck and the scale is cruel reminder of how much progress I’m not having.

Frankly, and without any fanfare, I checked out of September.


I just let myself think.

I helped myself avoid stressing about weight loss on any level.

I did work with my doctor on my thyroid.  We’re still working on it actually.

I did work with my sleeve and kept my focus on doing the right things for my body.

And some really amazing changes started happening…

I noticed I am happier.

I have more peace about my journey.

Without knowing my weight, I developed a clearer vision of how I want to live the rest of my life.

I have actually arrived at a place I did not expect to see so soon.


No, I am not talking about spiritual Grace.

Personal Grace is what you think about yourself when you are alone with your thoughts.

When I started my weight loss journey in 2002, my goal was to be able to live with Grace about my body.  To love her, to be kind and compassionate to her, and to be really real with my honest feelings.


I never thought I needed to be certain size or weight to have Grace.  It has always been something I felt like I would know when I found it.

I have.  And, it’s every bit as beautiful as I hoped.


Finding it now okay lead me to more questions.  Interesting, unexpected questions:

  1. If I have Grace now, what does that mean for me moving forward?
  2. How do I balance this peace with knowing my weight loss is not finished?
  3. How do I make sure I hold this feeling?
  4. Is this feeling going to become an excuse to give up or not work hard?
  5. Am I settling for less than I deserve because I do not really believe I can do it?

Whoa, right?

Those are some pretty tough questions.  Good thing though questions have always been my favorite kind.  Such the existentialist!


I don’t have all the answers yet but I do know holding this feeling is important and that lead me to thinking about what else I feel is important:

  1. Onederland–199.9  Yeah, yeah, yeah it’s just a number but after over 12 years of chasing it I think I’ve earned it.  202.3 this morning…Go body, go body, go body.
  2. 30% Body Fat–That’s been my weight loss surgery goal since I first started thinking about weight loss surgery.  On 23 September, I reached 39.9% and that felt pretty wonderful so now I’m really looking forward to dropping out of the 30-percent bracket.
  3. Sculpting and Toning–This goes hand in hand with a healthy body percentage and it has also been part of my plan.  I knew at some point I would make the mental switch from ‘worrying’ about weight loss to focusing on defining my body.  I just never expected to be even thinking about making that switch at six months post-op.  Making muscle gains can make weight loss look slower so it’s really something you have to be mentally prepared to see.
  4. Seeing Me–Like I have said before I have had body dysmorphia my whole life.  It has driven me to do some really dangerous and unhealthy things and that is so not what this journey is about.  For the past three weeks I’ve been pulling jeans out of the closet that I still cannot fathom will fit my body.  That’s some scary stuff.  I’m not too, too worried though because at the same time I have also looked in the mirror and thought, “My arms are smaller…I can see it…They look smaller.”  Just to reinforce that I am seeing my body as smaller I grab the tape measure to prove it to myself.  Yep, smaller.  Yay me…go body, go body, go body.  That I am seeing myself shrink is the ultimate victory.  This is also something I need to hold so much stronger than the number on the scale.

So on my 200th day post-op, I’m declaring I’m done.

Not done with weight loss, done with being a jerk to myself.

I am making the switch to building my body and holding this Grace I have found.

Existentialism = Living authentically

Living authentically = Having Grace

So much more me than any number could ever explain…


A Love Letter To My Sleeve


Dear Sleevey Weevey,

I seriously love you!  I really want you to know that and how much I appreciate all the hard work you do for me each and every day.  I know I have been pretty grumpy lately so this is me apologizing.  If I know one thing about friendships, I know what it is like to be the friend who is always there but gets taken for granted.  I am deeply sorry I have been treating you that way.  This is me making a promise to you that I will be better at giving you the credit you deserve.  You are really amazing and I really want you to know I do appreciate you and your place in my life.  You have saved me from so much and inspired me to so much so it’s high time I give you the thanks you not only deserve but have earned.

All my love,


This love letter was inspired by learning yesterday my TSH has shot up to 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  For you non-thyroid peeps a normal TSH is between 0.5-2.5.

With the thyroid it’s all opposite land.  A TSH over 2.5 means your thyroid is slow and a TSH lower than 0.5 means your thyroid is running too fast.  As you can see, thyroid health has a very narrow, and for me personally an elusive, optimal zone.

But a 15!!!!!!!!!!

I have not had a TSH that high since before my Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis diagnosis in 2012.

Two months ago my TSH was running slightly too fast at 0.15.


What inspired the drastic shift?

Well, honestly when I found out the copper in my multivitamins was pooling in my blood my NUT switched me to copper-free–read super expensive–vitamins so I needed to start a generic desiccated/natural thyroid product to balance the cost.

Since desiccated thyroid brands vary quite a bit I was mentally prepared for the dosage to be incorrect.  I was thinking maybe a TSH of 5 or 6 so when the doctor said 15 I nearly fell on the floor.

After the initial shock wore off, I started thinking back to all the other moments–the many, many, many moments–my thyroid has gone whack-a-doodle.

The last time–the time that inspired me to stomp my foot and demand weight loss surgery–was October 2014.

Earlier in 2014, I applied to be on Chris Powell’s Extreme Makeover.  I did not make it past my audition but I was successfully applying carb cycling and had been having the most rewarding weight loss experience of my life–30 pounds since January 2014.  October rolled around and my body flipped the switch and by Christmas I had gained all 30 pounds back while strictly adhering to the exact same things I had been doing for 10 months to lose weight.


Ballooning up like that while following my eating and activity plan was nothing new.  But, I promise you just because it was my ‘normal’ didn’t make it any easier to deal with.  It took six months for my thyroid to re-stablize.

Soul Sucking!!!

But, I’d had enough.

Weight loss surgery was the one and only thing I had not allowed myself to try so I started investigating surgery practices.  After settling on a practice, I had my initial consultation in November 2015 and was sleeved in March 2016.

Since March I have needed three previous thyroid medication changes.  Every time I lose the next 15ish pounds my levels change.  It stands to reason since thyroid medication is partially dosed by weight.  Honestly, I have spent more time waiting for lab work to confirm my TSH levels and verify the new dosage than I have had an optimal thyroid in my corner.

And that leads me to now…

In the past, a TSH of 15 would have been bad news but a rapid drop would have meant at least 30 pounds of unearned weight gain.

Yesterday, that all smacked me in the face really hard….

30 (or more).

Since my medication change on 4 August, I have actually LOST…

3.5 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have LOST 3.5 pounds with a SLOW THYROID!!!!!!!!!

Inconceivable!!!!!!!  (From the Princess Bride)

Honestly, until yesterday those 3.5 pounds didn’t feel so much like a victory.

Dear Sleevey Weevey, I seriously love you.

Medication change is being called in (doctor asked for time to consult with the pharmacist so hopefully we can get super close to right this time, of course I agreed to be patient) and my retest is already scheduled for 18 November.

Eight more weeks of me over here doin’ my thang and sticking to my calorie and protein goals to inspire my body to release some pounds, swallowing my medication every morning like a good girl, moving daily and working with my trainer weekly…only to have to steel myself for the very real possibility the medication change will still be wrong and I’ll just have to repeat this scenario in eight more weeks but…

This time it will be with a greater appreciation of every ounce my sleeve saves me from gaining and even helps me to lose.



Six Months–Shrinking

This, my six month sleeveversary, post is dedicated to all the newbies, the still deciding, and those who just need to take a step back and really see how far they’ve come…because like I always say:  This journey will eat your brain if you let it…
As most of you know, I was sleeved 8 March 2016 so I just passed my six months. I do not ‘celebrate’ my surgery day because that’s just the surgeon doing his job.
Instead I celebrate my first full day home from the hospital because that’s the day it’s all on me now.
That was yesterday. 
Of course, I have been extra contemplative. 
It’s only natural. 
Extra contemplative, however, to the point I have written this six month post more than three times already. 
This journey cannot be contained in a reasonable amount of words so I decided to pick the ones that would likely help others as much as they have helped me.
I scooted out of the house yesterday before taking my measurements. This morning I was half dressed before remembering and stripped back down just to mark the occasion. But, not before debating if I really “needed” to take them.
Thankfully, I decided that since I have to be out of the house before 8 a.m. tomorrow that I had better stop now and record the numbers. It only took me about five minutes and then I got dressed so we could go out to breakfast.
It wasn’t until coming home that I was actually able to reflect on the numbers and compare my progress.
All the “big” body parts–chest, waist, hips, thighs–have shrunk more than one inch for every month I am post op.
A whole inch.  Per month.  Minimum.  Per body part.
I am six months post-op so that means I am at least six inches narrower than I was. To give yourself and idea go find a ruler and look at six inches.
But here’s the thing my chest (bra band) was the smallest shrinker at 7.25 inches.

My waist: 9.75 inches.

My hips: 10.25 inches.

My thigh: 6.25 inches (right leg only because I’m right handed…some people measure both but I don’t).

All the ‘little’ body parts–neck, bicep, forearm, calf, ankle–all shrunk from 1.5 to 3.75 inches.
Actually one of the things I am really loving about my journey is I am shrinking in nice proportions.
What I really want to stress especially to you newbies is thanks to the ‘joys’ of thyroid disease I am a slow loser by comparison. I try not to compare but most post-ops lose so much faster than I have so I’m only mentioning it to give you an idea that my results are slower than what many people experience.
But, still awesome…and it feels great!!!!

Now take a look at that ruler again.
Put it up next to your body.
Make yourself see it.
Half of a foot, at least.
Six months.
So what have I been contemplating?
Well, like I said I cannot contain it in a reasonable amount of words so I have decided my focus thought for September is: “Self-Reflection.”
I have changed in more ways than size.
Thoughts I had at the beginning no longer matter.
Things I never thought to think or at least thought I would not be thinking about at this point are flooding my brain.  The only logical thing to do is let myself think.
My journey has always been about becoming rather than losing so one of the big questions I am asking myself is: Who am I becoming?
So far, I’m liking the answers.
Plus, I’m still waiting on my thyroid retest results anyway and since my body is clearly unimpressed with my efforts of late now is the perfect time to think.  I am sure my doctor will be lowering my thyroid medication so it will be a few more weeks before my body is rid of this stupor.  Instead of driving myself bananas I am just going to sit right here and be…(and by sit right here I mean while doing all the things I know I am supposed to, to elicit results).
Skinnier…by at least half a ruler and close to a full ruler at the widest part of my body.

Irony, Schrodinger’s Cat, And Me

Here’s some irony for you…
I’m (this close) to Onederland and my scale battery picked this morning to die. For all I know, I’m there and I don’t know it.
I’m also not freaking out about needing to race out and get the right batteries (bought the wrong ones yesterday) because I don’t care. Okay, I do care but it’s not an obsessive, “I must know right this instant” sort of feeling. I’ve been chasing 199.9 for as long as I have been trying to lose weight.
This morning…It’s. JUST. A. Number.
It’s this whole Schrodinger’s Cat moment…Am I? Am I not 199.9?

And what are all the possible outcomes for my day and my life whether I am or am not that particular number at this particular moment.

Today, tomorrow, next Tuesday…the number isn’t why I am here.
The number…DOES NOT MATTER!!!!!
I did want to and made a goal to celebrate the anniversary of my grandmother’s early obesity related death by reaching that milestone but it absolutely does not matter that I do not know if I made it.
Not being wrapped up in the number today or ever again…coolest thing in the world!!!

Reality Check…Because Sometimes Weight Loss Will Eat Your Brain If You Let It

Last night I was goofing around and decided to figure out my daily weight loss since surgery. I’m stuck in a thyroid medication change stall…sigh…I don’t think we got it right this time but have to wait at least until 5 Sept to have another blood draw…grrr!!!! And you’d better believe it’s already programmed into my phone to be waiting at the doctor’s office when they open so they can take my blood…not that I think I would actually forget or anything.
Anyway, I actually prepared myself to be disappointed as I did the math because my efforts have not be rewarded since we changed my medication and there’s precisely zip I can do but wait…and make good choices, of course.
Do you want to know what my average DAILY weight loss is?
.36 POUNDS or 5.82 OUNCES
PER DAY!!!!!
Do you know what my weekly averages were before weight loss surgery?
.25 pounds or 4 ounces a WEEK and that came with long stalls (my longest was not quite 13 months) and so much more work than I’m doing now. Like I used to be seriously giddy to lose ounces a week. I remember weeks feeling like I was queen of the world to lose a half of a pound. On the few weeks when I lost a pound and the even fewer when I lost two pounds in the same week I was over the moon.
For over 10 years, this was my reality (It’s been 14 years since I started my healthy body journey but the few years when I was going through my chronic health diagnoses I wasn’t trying at all).
New reality…5.82 ounces per day!!!! Less than most meals.
Whoa!!! That’s frickin’ cool!!!
In case you need a reality check too:
To figure ounces per day….
Weight loss in pounds multiplied by 16 (the number of ounces in a pound), Take the total number of ounces and divide by the number of days it’s been since your surgery.
To figure pounds per day…
Pounds lost divided by number of days since surgery.
We all have those moments when we’re feeling like we’re not losing fast enough or we’re stuck in a stall and it can eat your brain if you let it.  Don’t let it!
The scale, and the number thereon, is not the end all be all of who you are.
It is an unfortunate measuring device that does not always speak the full truth.
I was nervous to do this but Holy Banana Tummy Batman this ended up being a HUGE reality check for me.
5.82 ounces per day…What the WHAT!!!!!
Now back to reality and the checking…
I know I’ll need to hold on to this as I sit here waiting for pages of the calendar to turn, for the lab results to come back, for the doctor and I to discuss them, for the pharmacy to fill the new prescription, and for at least another month to repeat this process all over again to make sure we’ve made the right adjustment…I am not a naturally patient woman…I’m going to need all the help I can get to endure potentially two more months of frustration…Sigh…someone give me a hammer!!!!

August Goals: Be The Moon


My August plan is rather simple: Be The Moon.

No, I’m not sleep deprived.

Wait, yes I am but I thought of this before I woke up at 2 a.m.  So ppbbbttt!

Be the moon?  What does that mean?

The moon seems so mystical and mysterious but she’s really not.  She hangs out in the sky doing her job.  She orbits the Earth and in doing so she pulls the tides.  Her consistency is so predictable you can time her efforts.  The moon is never frittering around with things that don’t matter.  She knows her place in the Universe and she does her job.  Simple.

Be the moon!!!  I can do that.  I know the work.  I know I can do it.

Here’s how I am going to be the moon…

Liquids, minimum 80oz
Protein, minimum 70g
Fiber, minimum 20g
Supplements, daily
Prescriptions, daily
Movement, daily

That’s my job as a post-op weight loss surgery patient anyway, right?  Yes, right!

If I just produce my average results, I could hit 199.9 by the end of August.

But…199.9 is not my goal.

My goal is to be consistent.  Like the moon.

When I do it, goals are crushed.

That damned ol’ scale will fall but I don’t need to arrive at the end of the month at the same time as a particular number.  The number will happen…as long as I am consistent so the more predictable and moon-like I become the faster I’ll get to see it.  It’s not a race, however, it’s a commitment to doing all the little things.

Excuse me while I put myself into orbit…

The Great Fiber Experiment

I needed to pull myself out of a funk before I could focus on something specific for July.  It took a couple of days for me to decide I would do just one thing: focus on fiber.

Starting 4 July, I set a goal to get 20-25 grams of fiber each day.  It’s the only thing I was doing in the beginning that I’m was not doing well now.

I dunno what happened exactly…I do know when I ran out of my fiber gummies I did not rush out to buy more.  I do not have a good explanation other than I was solidly on solid food and much prefer to eat fiber.

When I was on liquids and purees, it was fully obvious fiber supplements were necessary so I’d pop a gummie or two with every ‘meal’ to help avoid constipation.  After I stopped taking pain meds, I was…NEVER…constipated.  But, somewhere in the transition to whole food I also stopped really looking on how many grams of fiber I was getting daily and supplementing when necessary.  Especially in June, I felt like I did little more than battle constipation.


There is a universal truth about the human body: It is only going to go along for so long without adequate fiber before becoming constipated.  It’s not a weight loss surgery thing.  It’s a body mechanics thing.

Why is fiber even important?

Aside from the colon and heart health aspect, fiber also helps post weight loss surgery bodies manage all the toxins which are released as our fat stores dwindle (Read more about body fat and toxin storage and elimination here).

If the toxins are not excreted as waste, they can actually build back up in the remaining fat and slow weight loss.  (Read more about that process here.)

However, now that we’ve had weight loss surgery fiber and the process of elimination becomes even more important.  The rate at which we lose fat means our bodies are processing a heavy toxic load.  If we’re not getting enough fiber, if we’re not having a good bowel movement at least daily; we’re frustrating the whole process of having weight loss surgery in the first place.

So how did The Great Fiber Experiment go?

I may have started the month unfunkifying myself and unfortuantely the need to do so followed me around like the proverbial black cloud of doom.

In July I…

  • Found out my surgeon is being investigated for insurance fraud
  • Which lead me to question my own bills where I easily found what had better be fraud
  • Because if he actually removed part of my colon then he’s also going be investigated for malpractice but even if he didn’t there’s a good chance I have a malpractice case anyway
  • Disputed all possible charges and started a fraud case with my insurance company
  • Searched for a malpractice attorney (still looking if you know a good one in Las Vegas)
  • Had an incident with not being able to swallow and spent a week of testing and not eating solids.  Results are inconclusive thus far
  • Found out my multivitamins were trying to kill me.  Nope, I’m not kidding.  Apparently the copper has been pooling in my blood and had we not caught it, it might have lead to liver failure or death.
  • And…sadly…that’s only the medical issues.

Was I able to stay to my July fiber goal of 20-25 grams daily?

Most days, yes.

The others, well I had great reason.  If I can’t swallow I’m not consuming much of anything so who cares if it has fiber.  I can forgive myself for that!!!

I also wanted to do this without adding gummies back to my shopping list.

However, in my extensive searching the internet and my food journal time and actually finding lots of ways to increase my fiber I stumbled on some really critical information.

Those little fiber gummies I stopped taking has the precise type of fiber recommended for gut health.

No, not all fiber is created equal.  There are three basic types and several sub-types each with their own function.

The inulin in my Fiber Advance gummies is the prebiotic, gut-healing type and since I have autoimmune disease this is the type I need to be consuming more than anything.

ALL–yes, I do mean ALL–weight loss happens in the gut.

Sick or struggling guts = Struggling weight loss

Here’s why I say that for MY body it totally matters:

March 8-30 (surgery date to the end of the month) 24.6 pounds!!!  Whoop, whoop
April: 8.3 pounds
May 6.2 pounds
June 6.9 pounds
July 8.2 pounds, 2.1 pounds in the last 7 days

I bet even you can tell when I stopped the gummies, started eating solid food, not getting enough of the right fiber, figured it out, and made a U-turn.

As you can see, I only figured out the inulin connection a week ago.

Nothing else has changed.

Well, okay, fiber-wise nothing has changed.

By pouring over my food journal, I discovered at some point I decided to shave a couple hundred calories off my day too.  No good reason.  I honestly hadn’t realized it.  That means that 2.1 pounds has come off with the help of adding those calories back while making sure I was eating the right type of fiber.

Could the fewer calories be the real reason my weight loss was struggling?  Nope.  Of course, I checked.

In checking, something fascinating appeared.

I can make a direct correlation between me consuming fiber gummies and/or at least 25g of fiber daily and the scale moving.  I found zero acceptations to the ‘rule’.

Here are several morals to my July story:

  1. If something feels off, it probably is.
  2. Food journals are essential tools.
  3. Gut health is critical.
  4. Fiber is a strong piece of the weight loss puzzle.
  5. Even the most well-vetted surgeon can still end up being an ass.
  6. THIS IS WORK PEOPLE!!!  Do not let someone tell you that because you’re doing okay or better than before surgery that you should just be happy.
  7. Take the damn gummies woman!!!!!

If I can throw down another ‘dismal’ 8.5 pound month for August I’ll hit Onederland ahead of what I targeted and fiber gummies are at the top of my shopping list.

Yes, I know 8.5 pounds in one month is nearly 5 times better than my pre-op body could muster but everyone, especially me, needs to let go of qualifying it like that or at all.  Losing 8.5 pounds or less per month as a ‘normal’ in the first year post weight loss surgery indicates an issue or three.  Period.




Lowest Known Adult Weight

Goals Quote


This morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it.  I’m still in a little bit of shock.

My lowest known adult weight was 212.2 on 10/24/05.  It was a few months after I became only the second person in my family to graduate college with at least an Associate’s degree.  But, I actually had two of them and on my way to a Bachelor’s degree.  I also was getting divorced.

The regain was slow–10 pounds in the following two years–but it did happen.  Then I remarried in 2008, found out he was clinically insane (no, really like the stuff of horror movies), got divorced again, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and gained over 50 pounds in four months as the side effects of the medication took hold.

I went from healthy and active to disabled and gaining weight I didn’t earn in less than eighteen months.

It was heart-wrenching.

Then in 2010, I kicked the medications to the curb and demanded my life back.

It’s been a long, slow journey to here and I absolutely know having weight loss surgery was the right tool for me and my body.

I have been curious how I would feel about getting here.  I have lost all the weight of those painful moments and have arrived at a weight when I felt my most triumphant.  I was curious if that feeling would return too.

It has.

It’s taken me just less than two months to lose 11 pounds so I’m giving myself two months to lose 11.1 pounds and see 199.9.

Onederland…you’re mine.Goals Quote



Four Months–The End, The Beginning, But Really Barely The Middle

Gilda Rander Quote

Yeah, I know that makes one huge heap of sense.  Please allow me to explain.

The End: I have decided to fire my surgery practice.  I’ll try to give you the Cliff’s Notes style story.  My surgeon repaired a hiatal hernia and despite me asking no less than six times, in and out of the hospital, I was NEVER informed and therefore received no aftercare instructions or alterations to the diet plan.  I only found out when I received a bill for charges not covered by the insurance company.  Then last week there was a HIPPA violation when I was sent a lab order for another patient.  If I wasn’t already fuming, that sent me to my outer orbit.  There’s just no amount of anything that is going to make this right.  It means I have to give up my AMAZING nutritionist and that almost makes me want to collapse into a pile of tears.  She’s helped me more than anyone in my whole nearly 13 year weight loss story.  However, the irony is by all appearances the hernia repair has been a failure since the moment I started asking about it.  I’ll be having a barium swallow and complete upper GI series next week to confirm it.

The old me would have just swept this all under the rug but the new me keeps asking myself: “What are the consequences to your progress if you try to hold on to this obviously broken situation?”  I don’t want to find out.  I have spent the past few months ‘fixing’ myself of all the moments I tried to puzzle together the good bits and doing my best to tip-toe around the bad ones.  The best part of all of this is I feel zero need to fix it.  It’s broken.  I didn’t break it so it’s not up to me to run around trying to make it all better.  End of story.

The Beginning: I want to draw my line in the sand and move forward.  Four months ago today I drew a different line in the sand when I had surgery.  It’s not like I can go back and change it, right?  So my job is to continue to move forward.  Today is a different sort of new beginning.  My only concern about moving forward is losing my nutritionist.  Oh I have the food part down and she even agrees.  The scary part is I have a weird body and she’s known exactly how to fix it.  No one has been able to do that for me.  Ever!  I have 12 years of diet failure so it’s not like I haven’t been begging and pleading for help all along the way either.  Fortunately, I have also learned a lot.  I know how to fuel my body.  I just need to hold on to the hope that God and the Universe will continue to place the helpers I might need in my path…and to not go crazy waiting for them to show up.  Today, I am moving forward all alone and all for me.

Barely The Middle:  Here’s the truth: I am two months shy of the halfway point on what is often referred to as the “Golden Window” by many bariatric specialists and patients.  The Golden Window is that magical first year where everything is easy–metaphorically–meaning the bulk of the excess weight comes off as long as the patient is doing her, or his, part.  Sure there are bumps along the way but the first year is very similar to the rapid change in the life of an infant.  Growth. Milestones.  I am not about to let anyone fuck with it.  This is my journey dammit.  My goals haven’t changed.  Of course, it has been feeling like everything is upside down but after a few moments of wildflower therapy on top of a gorgeous mountain it all became clear: I am upset about what happened…not where I have been or where I am going.  Huge difference.  My choice then is to let all the past die where it is and focus on MY GOALS!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh there will be fallout as the surgeon discovers what has happened because in my absolute heart of hearts I cannot imagine he knows but that fallout is the natural consequences running their course.  My goals are independent of the outcome…

Wait, how did I get this strong…

July Goals?


A few weeks ago I joined several Facebook support groups.  I just felt, and feel, like I need to be connected to other weight loss surgery people right now.  Where I am not close enough to my surgeon’s office to attend the support group, I figured this is the next best thing.

Today, one of the group leaders posted:

“What are you July goals?”

My answer was:

“To forget June ever happened.”

Mentally, physically, emotionally…June was just a big, ol’ huge vat of disappointment and frustration…and s-l-o-w weight loss.

How slow?

Slow enough it was my pre-op normal.

Yes, I have let the irony of me being flustered by losing at my pre-op rate sink all the way through my consciousness.

And, do you know what conclusion I arrived at?

My pre-op body and my post-op body are definitely not the same so I need to stop marking my journey now with those outdated signposts.

The truth is…Right now my body is NOT optimized.


No fussing.  No whining.  No rationalization.

And, it’s July now so how much longer am I going to be circling the drain about what a disappointment June was?

So am I okay with my glibly made goal to erase June from memory?

Uhh, noooooooooooooo.

Here’s my July goal:

20-25g of fiber daily

That’s it.

My new multivitamin pill is not being kind to my system so I need to make sure I am doing everything I can to keep my system running smoothly.

Not being able to buy my vitamin patches is one problem that is only exacerbated by not consuming enough fiber.

Besides, I am at the point where I have a really good handle on everything else except fiber.  When I scroll back through my food journal and when I am honest with myself, it is the one area I, as the controller of all things which enter my body, have slacked on.

Oh I can bitch about my supplement delivery method all I want but until I take accountability for consuming enough fiber I am not doing my body–or my attitude–any favors.

I am just complaining.

That is not me.

I am a woman of action.

That is my truth…and I am grateful a support group leader posed the question so I could knock some sense back into myself.

Sure, it feels lame to count fiber grams but it is always better than feeling gross and bloated because my plumbing isn’t up to plumb.

Pity party over.

Time to get back to me.IMG_8209