A Paradigm Shift

When I talk about my weight loss efforts and even when I created this blog I say something to the effect of, “I have 12 years of failure.” This has got to stop!

Let me back up two nights ago.

My husband and I were laying in bed talking about my past, my present, and my future and his own efforts to lose weight. I caught myself revealing something I absolutely do not give myself credit for…I successfully lost at least 65 pounds. I only say at least because I do not know my exact start weight. However, I do know I was not too comfy in my size 26 jeans. I didn’t buy a scale until after those jeans were loose and I remember being 278 pounds at some point on that early journey.

When I started back to school in 2002, I decided to take an exercise class every semester. Three months after I graduated in 2005, I reached my lowest weight of 212.5.

The truth then is I did in fact lose at least 65 pounds.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I started this blog, I wrote the tagline:

“This is my journey from 12 years of failure to success.”

Well just slap my butt and call me Miss Liar Pants.

In my mind I failed because I never got below 200 pounds or even to a “normal” weight–199 for my height is still not in the “normal” range.

My mind needs a good kick in the ass.

That is exactly what I have been doing for the past two days.

But, this talking I’ve been doing is not in that negative, self-defeating way I used to talk to myself.  This time I have been real…more real than I ever have been in my whole life.

I never celebrated losing most of those 65 pounds.  Instead, I was just too wrapped up in the results other people were having compared to my s-l-o-w loss.

I also spent much of that time really angry at my body for “failing” me–oh there’s that “F” word again.  There I was doing all the right things and my body was just a big, fat, failure.  Except, back then, I am ashamed to say I often substituted the word “cow” for failure.

I have to walk away from that this time!

For the past two days, I have watched as at least a dozen women have posted pictures of their normal sized, very healthy looking bodies.  Instead of celebrating, I saw a couple so determined to kick the last 17, 22, or 25 pounds to the curb that they reported being willing to endanger their health to do it.

I used to be that girl too so I absolutely understand what is going on inside their head.

I have to walk away from that too.

My weight has been stuck for five whole days and yes my mind started to play tricks on me.  Maybe because I’ve been there or maybe because I don’t want to go back there so far I have been able to just breathe and remind myself I am doing the right things, weight loss is not a race, and my health is more important than any number on a scale.

I have also seen new losers fussing over three-day stalls.  The longest stall I had was almost a year of bouncing the same five pounds up and down and I find myself being grateful for the perspective all previous weight loss attempts has given me.

My thinking has to shift or I am going to end up miserable no matter how much I weigh.  I am absolutely not going through the drama of letting a surgeon cut off and throw away most of stomach to end up miserable again.

Someone asked if anyone had done a vision board and I replied immediately that I had pulled pictures but I had not assembled my board.  I need to put it together.  I need to focus on this new journey in a very visual way.  I need to see me and celebrate me.  I also need to change that tagline….

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