We all know Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity, “”Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Let’s assume Mr. Einstein is correct. I am like so totally sure he is because he’s like Einstein? (said in my best Valley Girl voice). Then my only conclusion is losing weight with thyroid disease is insane.
As you know I’m in the thick of trying to get thinner and right now I am the living embodiment of those words.
I get up every morning and take my meds.
I wait the hour to eat.
I eat good food.
I eat some more good food.
I move some more.
I wait two hours to take more meds.
I wait one more hour.
I move some more.
I watch some t.v.
I move a little bit.
I wind down my day.
I go to bed.
AND I GET UP AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN THE NEXT DAY!!!!
Now as I have mentioned before Carb Cycling helps curb some of the insanity by forcing me to alter my foods to help my metabolism respond better and it does work. However for the awesome-sauce potential of Carb Cycling and of my own actions the insanity part is neither of those things has the same effect on my weight loss as my thyroid. It is totally out of my direct control. Oh sure I am responsible to do all the good things I need to inspire weight loss but sometimes my thyroid can throw a giant hissy fit give me a big ol’ “Bitch please.”
You should know I do imagine my thyroid as a drama queen. It helps especially in moments like……….
NOW WHEN I’M DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND TURBO CYCLING AND I GAINED TWO EFFING POUNDS THIS WEEK.
I moderate a group of fellow carb cyclers. Most of them are normal. Most of them lose a bazillion pounds a week. Most of them do not have any idea how hard it is to not cry, be jealous, or throw my own thyroid-induced hissy fit. Instead I give them my “Woot, woots” or “Way to go” and cry silently because I so desperately want a healthy body. Most of them cannot wrap their heads around the insanity of thyroid disease much less how lucky they are to be able to put in the work and get the results and I do not try to force them to understand either. It’s just not my place. However sometimes it means I am also silent in front of the few who are likewise afflicted with insanity. Sometimes I do not let them see me struggle because I’m supposed to be their cheerleader too and because the group is about Carb Cycling and not the insanity of losing weight with thyroid disease.
Here…well…this is my space.
And I do want them to know I am sitting here in the dark with just the glow of my monitor and my Eiffel Tower desk lamp with tears rolling down my face because I am living insanity.
I GAINED TWO POUNDS ON TURBO CYCLE.
Bitch please…I think I will.
Yesterday I reached out to one of my insane sisters because I knew she would understand. She did and that makes me sad too because I know the hurt, the pain, and the frustration all too well. In part here is what I said:
I absolutely understand….more than I can express….I do not choose to be fat. In fact, all my choices say I should not be and I feel trapped in a body I don’t….it’s beyond understand or feel I deserve…it’s like the me I am and the me in the mirror are not the same woman.….and it’s not in a dis-associative way…I just do not feel comfortable in my own skin even though I am comfortable with myself.
Her response was a very tiny, very heavy, “Me too.”
And if you are reading this with thyroid disease I know and feel the weight of your tears as you mutter your own, “Me too.”
I wish I had some magic answer for us all.
Today I have tears.
Today I share your tears.
Today is Sunday.
Sunday is Reward Day and I am honestly going to have to extra cautious so I do not let my emotions show up on my plate while being grateful I have an extra 1000 calories to play with today.
Then some time between now and tomorrow I have to get my head straight so these tears do not spill over into tomorrow because one of the greatest lessons of Carb Cycling ala Chris Powell is letting yourself have a moment of frustration WITHOUT letting it carry through to the next day. It is one of the things that made me fall in love with his philosophy. For over 18 months I have seen the power of leaving my tears on the day I found them and working up the courage to try again tomorrow even in the face of the insanity that losing weight with thyroid disease can be.
Last week my solution to that insanity was to give Turbo Cycle a whirl this week because the only way to stop the insanity is to….change.
I weigh more today than I did last Sunday.
No…I did not fail. I got it right. So what gives?
Here’s the thing: Thyroid disease is like a Disney movie in that there are Easter eggs to be found (If you do not know and “Easter egg” in movies is something the film makers insert into a scene as an inside joke) if you know what you are looking for. So let’s go over a few things I noticed that I have just now realized as “Your thyroid is off” Easter eggs:
I took a nap this week.
I drank coffee at night and had zero trouble falling asleep.
I am not pooping every single morning.
I have zits.
I have needed to wash my hair every day.
I have ashy skin.
I’m crying in the dark.
Look at that basket full of out-of-balance hormonal Easter eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait a damned, fluffy, Easter bunny butt minute…..
It’s slowly coming to me…..because oh yeah….I’ve been extra spacey this week too…..
There it is….
You changed your thyroid medication.
“You’re throwing a hissy fit because taking 180 mgs of Armour all at once was making you all sorts of twitchy and hyper???????? so I decided to be nice to you and split the dose?????”
“Bitch please.,,whyyyyyyyyyyyyy do you have to be so damned temperamental.”
There it is…The one teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing I changed was asking my doctor to call in 60, 90 milligram tablets so I can more easily split my dose to keep from feeling hyperthyroid.
That’s all it takes.
One tiny little toe out of line and the hormones go flying everywhere and the scale just laughs at me.
About three weeks ago, I stopped taking my 180 mgs all at once and started splitting my dose in an attempt to keep my body from being HYPERthyroid in the morning and dead in the afternoon.
It’s so little, so slight that it might have gone unnoticed if I had not been looking for those Easter eggs/inside jokes aka every little change in my body.
I am still taking my medicine appropriately.
I am still eating right.
I am still moving right.
I am still drinking my water.
I am still getting enough rest.
So why did my weight loss start to crawl and then make me GAIN doing the exact same things….
C’mon….say it with me now….
“BECAUSE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT WITH THYROID DISEASE IS INSANE!!!!!!!!”
But not impossible….IF…..you’re into looking for Easter eggs and you understand the insanity you’re dealing with.
Our thyroid bodies are not like normal bodies so something as seemingly innocent as changing when we take the exact same medication we always take can have disastrous consequences to our weight loss bodies.
Crazy. I know.
And I was worried I was not going to be able to find the courage to face the day, the extra 1,000 calories, and another week of trying to wrangle insanity.
“Will you excuse me for a moment while I go swallow the other half of my dose?”
I’m on the road to feeling better.
My tears are dry.
In their place, my mind is flooded with over a decade of memories of moments like this when I would go spiraling wildly out of control and toward me being a snarling, angry beast toward my body. But, I found the Easter egg. I took action so now I can get back to me.
What I said to my friend is the truth. I do love my body. I am very comfortable with who I am even my hissy-fit-throwing thyroid and her ridiculous attempts to throw me off track and I do want to work to bring the woman I feel I am closer to the woman I see when I look in the mirror. It is not a vanity thing as much as it is a harmony thing. I want to bring my body in closer harmony and there is no better way than paying attention to my body and figuring out how to get what I want to work with the insanity of trying to lose weight with thyroid disease. Sometimes the path to harmony is a river of tears. It is okay to cry and be frustrated as long as you keep trying to figure it out.
From over a decade of experience losing weight with thyroid disease, I absolutely can promise you it is the little things, the things so small you think they do not matter like changing the way you take you medication. Sisters (and brothers) be brave, be willing to go on your own egg hunt. Get to know your body…YOUR BODY…not anyone else’s. Getting advice from me or others is great IF it works for you. If not, then you need to figure out what does. Maybe you’re lucky enough that when you take your medication does not matter but do you REALLY know that or do you just think you do? I ask only because for over a decade I would have sworn it didn’t matter.
Losing weight with thyroid disease does NOT have to be insane if you are willing to change your mind–and your medication dose or timing. Easy, right? I’d say I’m exhausted for being on this roller coaster of emotion but the truth is for the first time in weeks I feel empowered again. I feel like me. I like me. Now it’s your turn.
PS…I just clicked back to Facebook and the first post I see is from the Carb Cycling group a normal person lost a bazillion pounds last week doing Turbo Cycle. Two hours ago I would have been pretty near inconsolable to read her victory. Now, I can go congratulate her and mean it. However, I’m also grateful to not share her fear of Reward Day after such a loss. Instead, I am going to feel grateful that I now how crucial Reward Day is to making sure my metabolism does not drop. After over 18 months of Carb Cycling and using my BodyBugg/BodyMeida I know my metabolism is as strong as the day I started and I attribute that to learning it needs those kickstarts like Reward Days and Slingshot weeks to stay healthy. I guess I would not trade my problem for hers. Now, that’s insane 🙂
PSS…The video for this post just redirects my Give It 100 followers here but if you want to see my greasy hair and zits here ya go https://giveit100.com/@THRIVINGfibro/nfjebj/96
PSSS…Thank you dear insanity sister for our chat. I do not think I would have worked myself back up to feeling empowered again without your gentle “me too.” Thank you sweetie. Please don’t give up. You can do it!