Sometimes even when you do your best you get a little ways down the road and realize it is time to turn around and go back to that narrow spot on the road when you started rationalizing and bargaining with yourself. This was one of those weeks.
I am going to let you in on a little secret. Okay, it’s not really a secret. I just did not announce it to the world so for some of you loyal readers this will come as a surprise.
Several months ago, I went back to work part-time as the personal assistant for an insurance agent. What I did not know at the time was the extent of my boss’ personal issues. He is a good man. He has issues. Out of respect for him, I will not elaborate further except to say somewhere around Thanksgiving-ish I realized the exposure to his issues was detrimental to my health.
I stayed because I love my husband who was still recovering from surgery. At that point I also did not know if my boss’ blow up was just a run of the mill bad day or if it was part of a pattern of negative behavior. It took some time but it was absolutely clear it was a pattern. Not only was it a pattern but it was a pattern I recognize from my own pre-fibro life. I has taken me hours and hours of therapy to work though the majority of my own triggering issues. What I was not really prepared for is how much being exposed to that behavior would cause me to struggle physically and emotionally. Well, DUH, I am a human sponge.
So, I quit…after weeks and weeks of agonizing.
I quit 21 days BEFORE our cruise.
I quit when my husband is STILL looking for a job (Yeah, if you knew he had one you might not know what a giant disaster that was).
Am I questioning the U-Turn?
Do I think I made a mistake?
“No,” she whispers timidly.
Am I worried about how we’ll pay rent, eat, and oh yeah go to Mexico?
WARNING WARNING MAJOR FREAK OUT ALERT
So what’s my deal? If I know I did the right thing, why am I freaking out?
I just want to know NOW that everything is going to be okay.
There is no part of me who believes I was wrong to quit especially considering the adverse affect to my health. The timing, however, is more than cause for concern. Yet, when I woke up Saturday morning at 4:50 a.m. to the smell of fresh, brewing coffee happy to be alive–something I had not done in months and months–I was sure I made the right decision.
Now, to just get my brain to shut up.
I even questioned whether I should tell this story simply because I did not want the dark corners of my brain to see the light of day…err computer screen…but I also could not explain this week without sharing this part of my life.
I am a worrier. I am a churner. Okay, I obsess about shit like this…until I am completely nutso…so talking about it is either going to be a great thing or a spectacular disaster.
Sometimes you just have to roll the dice and take a chance.
So here it is Sunday afternoon and I am…
What am I?
I am hopeful.
Hopeful is where my heart really is. My mind is off in left field blowing up and as long as it stays busy I guess that is not entirely a bad thing.
What has this done to the scale? I am up two pounds.
Considering I dove head first into not one but two grab bags of Fritos once out of stress–I’m a crunchy muncher–and once out of it being honestly the best option available at the pitiful gas station we stopped at. HELLO LADY, you know better.
Considering my week, it really could have been worse. Considering I walked A LOT this week I probably saved myself from any ‘real’ gain.
Considering as of this moment I am not sure where the gas money to even drive to the cruise ship is going to come from, I am really proud of myself it was only two bags of chips.
Considering my hubs and I are cleaning house and in an old box filled from around this time four years ago he found the two Wal-Mart gift cards we received as wedding gifts (our anniversary is on Wednesday), I AM HOPEFUL. They will put some groceries in the house while freeing up the cash we have to pay bills.
Just breathe honey it is going to be alright.
Here’s my absolute BEST ADVICE: If you just know things are not going the way they should IT IS OKAY TO MAKE A U-TURN!!!! As you turn back around, you see things you missed the first time down the road. Life or weight loss change is part of the game. Get used to it! Oh and EXPECT MIRACLES!