It’s so easy to stop doing good things without really noticing.
Case in point: Several weeks ago, likely more like two months ago, I was excited about finding flavored, non-sweetened (no sugar or sugar substitutes) sparkling water. It’s a store brand to boot so it’s super affordable. Each bottle is a quart. Each day I was drinking one at my desk while I worked.
How many have I consumed since I quit? Two. Maybe three…IN THREE WEEKS!
Am I drinking?
Am I drinking water? No.
Unsweetened iced or hot tea, yes.
Sports drinks, sweetened or zero calorie, yes.
Hot lemon water in the morning, yes.
An occasional small glass of water, yes.
This dovetails with my issue of not eating extra veggies that were no problem in my lunch bag but nearly absent when I’m eating at home.
For several weeks I have been exploring the whys of this shift in behavior.
This week I stumbled on something which gave me pause.
For about half of my life I was a stay-at-home mom. For more than half of my life, I was not making my self-care a priority. What the kids needed came first and then if there was anything left over for me it felt like I was over-indulging.
At this early hour I cannot remember what triggered me to think, “Hey this is just like all those times you would go without because money was tight or you felt you weren’t worth it.” Even though I cannot remember what triggered the thought, I am glad I thought it.
I’ve caught myself in the shadows of my consciousness denying myself little things because money is tight, because our cruise is now SIX DAYS AWAY, because I am struggling with knowing I do not have a paycheck coming in and so this old, deep-seated sense of not earning my keep is simmering so low I almost did not recognize it.
I have even considered maybe I’m reaching too far to find “a reason, the reason” and so maybe this is all a bull snot excuse. But, I don’t really think so simply because of how many times my hubs and I have had the “This feels like old times” conversation about our former lives. I do believe those moments of brokenness from my past are screwing with my head right now.
Friends, this is why the struggle is such a struggle.
I am also have a tiny–and yes I mean small–struggle with wishing I had gone through with having weight loss surgery. It’s all vanity. But it is also real.
In six days we will be on the adventure of a life time. In six days, the photos of that journey will be of a fat woman and it breaks my heart.
As real as that feeling is I also know it is tainted with lies.
I know without a smidgen of doubt that weight loss surgery two years ago would have been a bad idea.
I know my body and my thyroid were struggling so much that they would not have been able to keep up.
Yet, in my head there still lives a skinny girl struggling to break free from the body who won’t cooperate and the lure of weight loss surgery is strong with her.
It’s not helping that the weather is warming so I am getting used to seeing my arms again.
Now even as I can put those thoughts here in this space for all of you to see I can also take a step away from those words and see my body is still struggling so weight loss surgery even six months ago to be skinner today would still not have been the right choice for my body.
So what’s up with the wishing?
Inside, in my own thoughts, in the way I want to see and be seen I am a skinny girl, not sickly skinny but healthy and maybe even a little buff.
A few days ago someone I’ve know for a long time shared with me that when she is waiting for the microwave she marches in places or does squats and my first thought was, “I used to do stuff like that when I wanted to be anorexic.”
Yeah, there was a time in my youth when I was hell bent on starving myself to that point.
Her words tempted and frightened me.
Could I add a few marches or a squat or two?
Could I do it and let it be a healthy thing?
Right now, right in this moment in my head my honest answer is, “I don’t know.”
But I am going to think about it.
Other than letting myself think while I drink this week is all about making sure all the last minute housework and errands are done by Thursday so we are not running around like crazy people on Friday.
Interestingly enough, I talked to my hubs about this after I wrote it. He also struggles with eating unless he is “on the job” but neither of us could put a finger on why it is an issue.