Week 14–Don’t Lose Yourself Trying to Lose Yourself

The road to weight loss is not as straight as reality t.v. would have us believe.  It is real for the contestants because they have an abundance of support and help.
For the rest of us, there are so many more twists and turns along the way.  Many of us navigate those twists and turns entirely alone.  For those of us ‘suffering’–and I am not using that word lightly as most of you know I try to avoid labeling the journey that way–with stubborn weight loss, which is actually called diet resistant obesity (yep, it’s a real thing…look it up) that journey can be downright depressing and especially frustrating.
Take me for example, I’ve been at this for over 12 years.
In this pre-dawn moment of my life, I am tempted to say I’ve learned nothing in 12 years about losing weight.  But that really is not the truth.  The truth is I have yet to successfully apply any of that knowledge to my body in such a way that it yields the desired result.  Part of the reason why is my body does not follow the rules.  No, that’s not some lame cop-out or some dysmorphic delusion and I say that with all confidence because multiple doctors agree something is screwy.  I take an enormous amount of comfort in knowing they cannot figure me out either as they tell me to continue doing all the right things I am doing.
However, that does leave me feeling stuck sometimes.
I want to know what to do to help my body lose weight.  Everything I know to date is of little help.
It can be maddening sometimes.
When I am feeling stuck, I have developed the practice of searching for inspiration.  This week, I found others who are stuck and that helped me feel better.  Oh I’m not happy they’re stuck too.  No.  But I do find comfort knowing it’s not just me.  Sometimes my state of stuckhood can leave me feeling lost, isolated, and alone.
Now that you know my state of mind, you might be surprised to know I also took a huge leap this week and applied for a job as a personal trainer at a local gym.
Less than 24 hours after sending my resume, I was interviewed by the manager for the personal trainers.  As we talked about my journey and how I could help others she kept saying, “Wow, you really know your stuff,” or “Wow, you’ve really got the psychology part of this down.” She didn’t treat me like an insane fat girl who thinks she’s all that enough to train others.  Nope.  She treated me like a real person, like a wannabe trainer.  She even gave me a few tips about how to mix-up my own routine.
That felt great!  Super great!
At the end of the interview she recommended me for an interview with the location manager who happens to also be the territory manager for this particular chain.  The training manager said I would know by Friday so I do not think I got the job.
As much as I need a job right now, selling an obese personal trainer to their clients is about as hard as it gets.  Personal trainers are supposed to fit.  I’m not.  I get it.
Interestingly enough, this is the same gym that I did not join last week because money is beyond tight (that ended up being a good call, btw, as our plumbing backed up this week…ugh).
There is a teeny part of me who was hoping they’d look past the extra pounds so those extra pounds would have a free place to work out.
But, the part I want you to get is I applied anyway.  I applied anyway because I know WHEN I get this weight off I am going to be one damned fine trainer.  I’m living my life as if I were a fit girl…at least when I feel brave enough to click ‘send’ on an application.
But I do not always feel brave.  Honestly sometimes I feel a bit more like this post from…

I had a client yesterday who was referred to me by her general practitioner for treatment of depression. She was a beautiful young woman but her grey eyes had lost their sparkle. She had a numbness about her… a dullness that made me feel sad for her.

She said she’d had a miscarriage a few years ago, and since then she tried everything in her power to ‘fix’ her body. She didn’t eat anything sweet or yummy; she exhausted herself with a punishing exercise regime. She gave up on the one cup of coffee she used to enjoy every morning in her sunny little garden, and wouldn’t touch a drop of the red wine she used to love. She was determined to live a healthy lifestyle, to do everything ‘right’ in the hope of carrying a baby to full term if she ever fell pregnant again.

As I sat there listening to her, I was aware that her intentions were noble. Her willpower, driven by the need to hold a baby of her own in her arms, was made of steel.
But in the process, she lost her joy.
And it occurred to me there and then that the path to wellbeing can NEVER be through deprivation.

Isn’t this the truth?  Sometimes we all get so wrapped up in achieving weight loss we forget to love ourselves through the journey.  And that’s why I love the advice that came next….

There’s a lovely flow that happens when you allow pleasure into your life. When you relax into what brings you joy.
You can eat nutritious wholefoods (and you should!) in a way that lights your taste buds on fire and indulges all your senses.
You can move your body in ways that enhance your wildness, your freedom, your ecstasy.

The path to wellbeing is through JOY.
And that is what our first Soulwoman Circle is all about: Body Bliss. Finding joy through your body. Finding joy being IN your body.
Let’s make it so!

(Used with permission from Soulwoman Sanctuary)

I didn’t get the job.  So what.  I was ready to put myself out there.  My body’s not ready for the “You’re hired.”  I can be both.  I am both.  It’s okay.  Super non-scale victory!

In other news, I’m pondering giving up the scale thanks in part to a conversation the training manager and I had.  My weight is ‘up’ but thanks to my nifty body fat measurement I know it’s not ‘real’.  I’m thinking I’m over the torture of weigh ins especially when my real goal is 30-percent body fat regardless of the number on the scale.  If I am really serious about that as my goal rather than a weight, then why do I continue to weigh myself?

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