Week 21.5–A Raw Moment

Disclaimer:  This post is laced with profanity. If you find such words objectionable, please stand by for my sunny disposition to return.  One of the things I committed to on this journey was to be real.  These words are not inserted gratuitously or for shock value.  I am really swearing. Yeah, it’s not my finest moment but it is also my honest moment.  If my honest use of swear words bothers you, then this is not going to be something you are going to want to read so please don’t.  I don’t mind one bit.

I promised to explain my Hummmmmmm from last week…

But first,

It’s 5 a.m. on Wednesday 3 June.

I just stepped on the scale.

It says…

I’ve gained 4.5 pounds and 3/10 pound body fat since 18 May.

16 days.

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit??????

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now the reason for this rant is incredibly important when you know what I was Hummmmmmmmm’ing about last week.

Some of you may know I have fibromyalgia and have written a book about it.  But what you won’t know is how much I talk about following our own intuition when it comes to matters of our health.  And you can’t know that because I haven’t published it yet.  Anyway.  Our bodies are so smart.  They talk to us all the time.  Little moments of wonder.  Those “gut” instincts that nag at us could lead us to moments of discovery if we just listen.  At this, I am a pro.

I few months ago my hubs and I caught Dr. Christiane Northrup’s “Ageless Goddess” on PBS.  If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it.  One of the things she said which really resonated with me and my stance on our intuition.  She said something to the effect of, “Don’t be mad at your body when something goes wrong.  Thank your body for singling you something isn’t quite right.”  I am sure I murdered the quote but you get the gist.

How beautiful!

We should thank our bodies for talking to us.

I remember sitting there rather smugly thinking about my fibromyalgia journey and feeling rather proud of myself for taking that signal and changing the course of my life.  My body has responded in wonderful, surprising ways.  I haven’t cured my fibro.  Not a chance.  But, I do live better than I was and better than most of my peers.

Then last week, from the fringes of the internet, came similar messages about the mind-body connection and how important it is to successful weight loss.

In a word, “Fuck.”

In three words, “Oh hell no.”

In one more word, “Dammit.”

I would dearly love to reference the articles that brought about this great slew of profanity but I succumbed to the greatest lie I tell myself, “I don’t need to save that…I’ll remember.”

Whatever.

Anyway.

The little hamster wheel in my brain has been running at lightening speed trying to find out what my missing link is and why the things I’m doing now are not producing the same results as they used to when here comes these articles about believing in my body.

About weight loss…the only things I truly believe are:

My body hates me.

I am destined to be fat for the rest of my life.

My thyroid is an asshole.

After over TWELVE YEARS of trying to make any sort of sense about my body and what I need to do to lose weight, I STILL do not know what the fuck I’m doing.

What choice has my body given me?

Here I sit on this now 22-week-old journey to accountability, on the 12+ year road to a healthy weight and I am trying to wrap my head around the dual truths of a 4.5 pound weight gain in SIXTEEN days and cultivating an appreciation for this message my body is trying to send me while stirring that around with these “true” beliefs.

I know the mind-body connection matters.  I know I don’t understand what’s happening to my body.

In the last two days alone, according to my BodyBugg, I have racked up a 1,760 calorie DEFICIT…in case you do not know you need a 3,500 calorie deficit to lose one pound.  By the numbers, I should have LOST one half pound.  The “truth” my body is telling me as represented by the scale is I’ve GAINED a pound and 2/10 pound of body fat in a matter of days.

Go on…live with that without swearing.  I dare you.

It isn’t just the scale.  My clothes fit differently.  I feel bigger.  I can almost see my body “growing” before my eyes.

And yet…

Before my encounter with the scale, I was really working on shifting my thoughts.  I am well-schooled in the power of the mind-body connection thanks to fibromyalgia.  I did good things.  Good things happened.  I can even say it was easy…once I wrapped my head around it.  When I started working on believing in my body after my fibromyalgia diagnosis, she responded rather quickly.  Surprisingly quickly.

I looked back and found a year ago I was more believing….partly because my body was responding quasi-normally to my efforts…but I did have a real sense of FINALLY figuring a few things out.  I even decided I was grateful the Extreme Weight Loss production team did not send my audition video to the next level.  Things had clicked.  I made some tweaks.  My body responded rather quickly.  I didn’t need Chris Powell’s help.  I remember feeling really proud about it too.

I went from 249 to 239.2 from May to October.  For me that’s super fast weight loss.  I was thrilled to finally be getting it right.

Then…

Whatever switch I turned on, turned off.

I’ve been doing good things for my body and I’m sitting here confused, swearing, and in tears.

The 16.3 pounds I have gained since 20 October doesn’t exactly inspires that sort of behavior, ya know.

I am trying to make sense of all this but when it comes to weight loss what other conclusion is there for me to draw than my body is just a bitch.

Only when I am feeling this….betrayed…

Yesterday, I was thinking, “C’mon girl you can do this.”

I do believe Dr. Northrup is right. Something IS still broken in my body.  She’s sending me loud, clear signals.  What I am experiencing is not normal.

Then I think back to the visit with the triple board certified endocrinologist last year who looked so clueless when I brought him my pages and pages of data and when he had me repeat my lifelong history for the third time because he wanted to make sure he wasn’t missing anything and how he lost his professional filter for a few moments and said, “No…no…no….this is not normal…How did so many doctors miss this,” He said, “I don’t know why but let’s run some more tests.”  All those tests came back “normal” so I soldiered on and took his advice to keep on, keepin’ on.

Today, the truth that has me swearing like a sailor, is I weigh more than I did at that appointment 12 months ago.

MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now what?

I.

Don’t.

Fucking.

Know.

I don’t even know where to turn for help either.

When a triple board certified, $250 a visit endocrinologist says “IDK, but I think you’re doing great.”  Then great stops working and you don’t know why and you’ve gained yet another pound you didn’t earn by indulging in bad habits….

Where do you go from there?

In all fairness to my body, I am retaining water as evidenced by my puffy ankles.  However, it has gone down, at least visually, from where it was last week.

Dear Body,
I do not want to weigh 255.5 pounds.  I’m doing the best I can to do right by you and I just don’t understand why you’re not cooperating with me.  Can we talk it out and be friends?
Love, Me

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Week 21.5–A Raw Moment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s