Week 24–I Don’t Want To Be Here

I promised myself this morning that I would stay off the computer as much as possible today to spend time with my sweet man…then the little bugger went to bed at 7:30.  My keyboard-avoidance had a double meaning, however.  I do not want to write.  Not here.  Not today.

Nothing is wrong.

Nothing is right.

Yesterday I felt really strong and powerful so I made a list of some good things in the wake of finding out I’m actually HYPERthyroid according to the results of my blood work.

Whatever.

I’m the only idiot on the planet GAINING weight while being HYPERthyroid.  (Yes, I know that is not the truth but that is truly what it feels like.)

Sigh.

Honestly, it has really ended up feeding the negative, “My body can’t do anything right,” feelings.

That isn’t exactly life affirming or hope-filled.

So here’s the stupid list I wrote yesterday.  (Yes, I know the list isn’t stupid…but you have to understand how…sTuPiD….this all feels.)

  1. I also found out my cholesterol dropped 46 points since last year to 166.
  2. My hair is really thick.
  3. My nails are stronger.
  4. My skin doesn’t “snow” when I get undressed.  (Snow-tiny, dry, flakes in large quantities)
  5. Every time my temperature has been taken it is closer to normal than it has ever been.
  6. My acne is virtually non-existent.
  7. The oil slick on my forehead is almost non-existent.
  8. So all of these things made me wonder…Is it possible my guts have healed/are healed?  Is that why my blood is showing HYPER?

Ah-ha moments.

Yes, they’re good but frankly I just really want to be pissed.

But here I am being all accountable and stuff…

None of these things would be happening if I wasn’t healthy on the inside.

If my body was still “out-of-whack” I would have more signs that ‘just’ an ever-climbing scale.

Maybe the scale climbing is one of those, “Hey you!” signals my body was trying to send and I was to wrapped up with being furious…since October…for 16 pounds.

Shit.

Sigh.

The doctor lowered my thyroid dose and I programmed my phone to remind me to go back in three months for a retest.

In the meantime, all I really can do is exactly what I have been doing.

It’s maddening.

This is ‘just’ weight loss…it’s not supposed to be this hard.

Yet, this whole year…this whole journey…is about being accountable to my body for what I eat, how I move, whether I take my thyroid medication, and all the other good and lovely things any human should do to take care of their body so this year it is also going to be about slogging into the doctor’s office for a blood draw every three months because obviously yearly isn’t enough.

The truth is testing more frequently might have ‘saved’ me from 16 pounds, a lot of swearing, and a few tears.

Sometimes the truth sucks….

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