Week 29.5–Another Endocrinologist

I mean really…Is there some class in medical school or when you’re taking your board certifications is there a course, “How to be a totally dismissive asshole?”

GAH!!!!

First he’s cheesed because my dr’s office didn’t jump when he told them to. Then he blows off every single issue that’s been going on practically my whole life. But then he orders 15 (yes, literally 15) tests just to show he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with anything other than bad genetics.

“But I’ve been wrong before…so just in case…but I really think they’re all coming back normal,” he says almost sing-songy.

Despite the fact it was a wonky lab value which sent me to him in the first place and apparently I’m just there to annoy him and because I have nothing better to do with my life.

However he did cover every single endocrinological base with the gold standard test for each which until today no doctor has ever bothered to do.

I asked, “What if they all come back normal?”

“I really think your best bet for a healthy weight is gastric bypass.”

Okay well throwing my already tantrum throwing body in a permanent state of malnutrition is a hell no.

Besides, I’ve already looked at weight loss surgery and IF it is my only hope then I’ve already decided on the vertical sleeve gastrectomy but then I’m back to being 200+ miles away from the nearest insurance-approved surgery center with a history of DVTs (deep vein thrombosis/blood clots) which is a part of why I didn’t go through with it two years ago (my thyroid was the other part).

The good news is this time hubs sat through the whole thing too so he understands better why my head is spinning off in 12 different directions and why I might not have any practical option but to go through with weight loss surgery.  He has seen his aunt and mom fail after weight loss surgery…but with the way those people eat it is no wonder…they do not use their new stomach as a tool, they do not exercise, they have not changed their eating habits.  But, I am not now nor have I ever been them and if weight loss surgery is my best chance at future health then I need to help him understand that.

I was a month away from weight loss surgery two years ago and pulled back while I figured out my thyroid.  If I step away from all the emotion of the day, I think my thyroid needs better attention to catch the times when levels rise and fall.  If I have made one mistake with it, it is not making sure I am being tested more than once a year.  I can change that.  I also think it would be with my doctor’s blessing.

Honestly, being forced into having to having weight loss surgery so far away from the surgeon does bother me.  It’s major surgery for heaven’s sakes.  After care is super important for weight loss surgery patients and I know that because I have done my due diligence to learn all I could about it.  I guess right this second, I’m too close to it to decide.  Good thing I don’t have to today.

Blood draw in the morning and then three nights of the saliva cortisol test at midnight, wait a week or so, and then possibly sitting through his smug, “I told you so.”

And then……I have some more decisions to make.

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Week 29–A Line In The Sand…Maybe

Well it’s here…almost.

I meet the new endocrinologist on Tuesday.

11:15.

It is either going to be a line in the sand, a moment for me to step over and toward whatever is waiting in my future…

Or…

He’s going to be just as perplexed as everyone else has been…

And if he is that means I’ll need to change, to let go, to give up…

I know that probably sounds a lot more depressing than I really mean it…I mean it is depressing to think about…but what I mean is if yet another doctor has no clue about how to unlock my body’s death grip on fat then I need to stop trying to force the issue.

Oh I’ll keep all my good habits but the goal of losing weight will have to be crossed off my To Do list.  If my body can’t, or won’t, lose weight then my soul has to find some sort of okay so I can move forward.  It’s like my hubs says, with all the love in the world, “If you didn’t pay so close attention to what you eat…you’d be as big as a house.”  He’s right.  If paying attention to every morsel or step does nothing other than keeps me from being 500 pounds, then somehow I need to be okay with that.

I have been reading a few body acceptance blogs lately but so many of them are “have another piece of cake honey…it’s okay as long as you’re okay with your curves.” and I’m just not okay with that thinking.  The biggest reason of all is both types of diabetes runs in my family so I’ve grown up being very aware of sugar’s effect on the body.  Also with my other medical conditions sugar = inflammation = extra pain and who needs any of that?  NOT ME!

Weight is part of health.  Curve acceptance should never be about abandoning healthy habits.

However, if my body is never going to let me see a healthy weight then I do need to find my curve-loving voice.

Tuesday means change.

I’m not afraid to change but right now when I don’t know what that change is going to be I’m having a hard time thinking about Wednesday.  Furthermore, I am also keenly aware that if this doctor thinks he might know what’s going on there won’t be ‘an answer’ on Tuesday and that’s also disconcerting.  Tests and waiting and follow-up visits and still not knowing for sure…sigh.

And all of this is fine, good, and well…except today my knee is being a total asshole so I cannot help but dwell in the space of not being able to use a knee brace because there are none made to accommodate the fatness of my thighs and how if I go to my orthopedist about it again he’ll just tell me again how much I need to lose weight for the health of my knee.  Then, I’ll just start crying, wailing, and banging my fists on my thighs and beg him to show me how like last time.

You cannot know the frustration to have a broken body part that would be made better through weight loss and to be entirely unable to accomplish that mission.

I don’t want a bikini.

I want a knee brace.

Week 28 Extra Busy, Extra Gains

I thought about this post yesterday morning and then didn’t give it another thought.  Sigh.  Oh well.  Life happens.

And life did happen this week.

I had two paid destination photo shoots this week.  I massively jammed a finger.  X-rays did not show a break however…wait I’m getting ahead of myself…I’ll come back to this in a second.  I got sunburned for the first time in probably 10 years.  And I had a little bit of freelance writing work fall in my lap.  All on top of my normal life.

You’d think with all that activity I would have lost something, anything but nope.

This morning’s weight 262.7!!!!  From a low in October of 239.2 😦

Whatever.

I have the referral appointment with the endocrinologist on 28 July so I’m just going to try to not freak out between now and then.

Just.  Whatever.

Okay back to my finger…

I’m not fully convinced there is no break simply because the x-ray tech had already gone for the day so the doctor took them himself.  Let’s just say he was a little rusty.  It was comical.

He managed to erase one of the views because he didn’t know how the machine processes the images.  From the other two views he couldn’t find an obvious break.  He said if it wasn’t better by Tuesday to come back.

The swelling has gone down some but it is still swollen.  At the first knuckle, there’s bruising but at the second knuckle, where the injury is, the skin is tight and dusky looking.  I still can’t close my hand to my palm or fully extend and lock the knuckle.

As soon as the doctor’s office open, I’m going to schedule an appointment for tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’m just going to be me.

Week 27–And So It Goes…

This week I had the wonderful pleasure of showing off some of the beauty of Utah to a friend who has never been here.  She is one of my writing sisters as well as a dear, cherished friend.  I loved her ooh’s and ahh’s.

Later that night I excitedly plugged in my BodyBugg to see my burn after all our walking.  For the day I burned 2893 calories!  Even with lunch out, I only ate 1854.  That’s a damn good day!

So walk with me to the bathroom scale the next morning as I was sure I would have at least lost something through sweat and imagine standing there blinking really hard when the scale showed I gained 1.6 pounds.

GAINED.

I would like to say I’m shocked but I really am not.

It was enough of a push for me to fill the diuretic prescription my doctor gave me.

It was enough for me to pull my “fat pants” out of the bottom drawer of my dresser to wear as I went to pick the medication up.

Thankfully, those pants are still wonderfully lose everywhere except across my hips where they weren’t tight but fit just right.  Which is also all wrong considering when I stopped wearing them over a year ago it was only my hips that were barely holding them on my body.

Sigh.

I know control is an illusion but I feel so out of control of my own body.

Sometimes, I just feel like giving up.

But, the thing I do know is if I still was not holding on to all of my good habits my weight would spiral upward even faster.  If I am doing nothing with my efforts but slowing the gain, then for now that needs to be enough.

Week 26–Half Full or Half Empty

It’s the 26th week of the year…26 more to go.

I thought by this point I would feel the halfway point or the down hill slide or some sort of beginning to the end but as I sit here tonight I feel none of that.  With my recent medication change, I feel more like I am almost starting over again.

Even with being on point last week, even during a holiday…. I still gained a freakin’ pound.

Like I said…almost like starting over…because the truth I have to admit is only gaining a pound is progress in the right direction.  I have been on the new Armour Thyroid dose for almost two weeks so maybe the tide is beginning to turn back the other direction.

On Friday, I scored a Body Champ BRM2610 Dual Trainer for $35 and a Red DX Fitness Chair for $15 at a thrift store!

Woot, woot!

I can only manage three minutes on the Body Champ comfortably.  Pushing to five minutes has me about crawling out of my skin so that’s a bit of a bummer.

As a stand-up elliptical, I can only do about 45 seconds at a time

Using it as a bike is even more gentle on my knees, gentler than a stationary bike.

I am only able to use the moving arm handles about 90 seconds at a time in bike position and not at all in the stand-up position.

The Red DX.  Honestly, when I bought it I wasn’t too sure about it but I really like the fact that it’s a seat, almost chair height, rather than some contraption I have to go all the way to the floor to use…like the $15 rowing machine I bought from the same thrift store almost a year ago but have hardly used.  I can do about two minutes on it.

But…

You have to start somewhere.

This is where most people with fibromyalgia and other chronic diseases fail…they think the only way to workout is 30 minutes, three times a week.

Kiddos, here’s the truth…

Unless, you are super fit right now…not before you got sick…right…freaking…now…I already know you cannot do 30 x 3 without flaring yourself.

Know it!

Our bodies don’t work that way anymore.

As someone who is desperate to become a fully accredited personal trainer and fitness coach, believe me…PLEASE…You just cannot do it and if you try you are setting yourself up to fail.

Getting through the traditional fitness wisdom, is tough!!!!  When I first started, it probably took me 5ish months to wrap my head around it before I ever started trying to be okay with 3-5 minutes.

Five months of mental workouts, people!!!!

Just using these machines for those times and only twice since Friday has woken up my fibro but it’s more like it’s laying there with one eye open trying to figure out what’s coming next rather than a whole lot of pain or a full-on flare.  I mean I feel it but I don’t FEEL it, feel it.  It is NOT because I’m totally out of shape but because I am working different muscles than normal so they need to stand up and be counted.

This also ends the “Yes, I am…No, I’m not” argument I have been having with myself about joining a gym…at least for now.  When I joined one a couple of years ago, I was ready to be there.  I think that’s what’s holding me back now…I know I’m not quite ready.  Besides, for $50 it gives me a couple of months to argue with myself some more without ‘wasting’ a gym membership I’m not quite ready for while using the new equipment.

At least that’s the plan for now…