Week 34–Surprise

Slowly…very slowly…possessions are finding their place…the Hound Dog misses his Hound Dog couch…don’t judge, he’s very particular…the humans…well I’m sure we’ll get there eventually.  Finding this place was a huge surprise so we were caught off guard on multiple fronts.  Oh don’t get me wrong it’s a great surprise.

One of the best!!

I am a home owner!!

But, financially, the heat, my broken-likely-permanently damaged finger, the fact that the kid had no plans of keeping his old bed and not having the money to readily buy him a new one is the part of the surprise causing much frustration.

For extra fun, the lift gate of my PT Cruise came crashing down on my head last week hard enough to cause a concussion and render me totally unable to help was also an unexpected surprise.

Of course all this has lead me to think deeply on how easy it can be for all those little surprises of life to throw us into a tailspin.

How long do we spin?

Is spinning even necessary?

If it is, how do we make it stop?

Well I guess I shouldn’t have invited this….

Twelve hours ago I started this post.

About six hours ago the display driver fried out and now I’m blue screened.  Thank goodness for my netbook so I won’t have technology withdrawals on top of the raging assed migraine meds barely touched.

I was bitchy to my hubs.

Yep.

He had it coming.

All week he’s been pestering me to the point I did not get my work done.  I wanted to take today totally off.  It’s been tense and stressful.  We needed a day to just not have anything going on.

But no.

And now I’m blue screened and migraining like a mo’ fo’ which is one of my classic tailspin symptoms.

So what am I doing?

I’m finishing this blog while watching The Daily Show on Hulu.

Why?

Endorphins.

My brain needs endorphins.

Laughing creates them.

Jon Stewart guarantees them.

It’s not the approach most people would take.

Good thing I’m not over here trying to be most people.

I am here to show people…and myself….there is another way but you have to seek it.

Tailspin recovery mode activated.

Another Come to Jesus conversation  with hubs in the morning.  No, it’s not more bitching.  It’s a “Hey bud, you need to be taking my little bit of work and my life as seriously as you expect  me to take yours.”

The bottom line is the work is not done, my check will be half of what it should have been, plus whatever it is going to cost to get my computer up and running again.

Another 10 days to my care about the official restart….so I didn’t necessarily care about the giant bowl of store brand Cocoa Puffs to prime my tummy for my migraine meds that didn’t really help anyway.

Bloody hell…..

But…here’s the thing…surprises happen…good, bad, and blue screen…roll with them and when the migraine meds don’t work grab an ice pack and your favorite comedy.

Just don’t turn into a hateful, fearful, stressed out human being…because that’s only going to make you miserable…

But you have to make the choice to turn your anger and frustration toward something positive and uplifting.

Week 33–Moving

Today is my last full day in our old house.  It’s been a busy week.  Fibromyalgia has reminded me why I take so many extra steps to take good care of my body to avoid its avoidable symptoms.  Food has been giant bowls of sugary cereal and deli fried chicken.  And, I have been grateful for them.  It’s been a good week to not be focused on every ounce going in my body or showing up on the scale.  I also won’t miss them when my life is back to normal.  You have no idea what I would give for a huge pile of veggies right about now.  I am craving freshness and flavor.  Seventeen days until my planned restart.  It is going to be a long day and the days ahead will be filled with moving in but I know where I am going and it feels good.

Week 32–Calling Myself On My Own Bullshit

As you know, I recently went through an undeserved 20ish pound gain.  And you’ve watched me become entirely unhinged about it.  I’m not about to bash myself for that response.  In the same breath I am going to say, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  Here’s the story of why I know that to be my truth:

Yesterday I was talking with a woman with fibromyalgia.  She has had weight loss surgery and reports flaring almost daily. She has also gained 25 pounds she didn’t earn.  I calmly explained to her…these are my exact, copy and pasted words, because I need to own them to myself:

I have fibro too. When you’re flaring a lot, you store glycogen in your muscles (at least that is one theory and I believe it) and that extra glycogen shows up on the scale as a “gain” but it’s not real. WLS food can mean lots of extra artificial sugar and that’s a huge no for many with fibromyalgia. I just looked up Syntax Nectar…it has two sources of artificial sugars. Artificial sugar alone could be triggering your flares, which is triggering the glycogen storage, which is showing up as weight gain.

So y’all know me being me had to stop and wonder how I could be so kind and supportive to her when I’m flying off the hinges over here.  Now in my theme of being accountable and transparent about this journey, I need to admit my first response is, “I’m a bitch to myself.”

Is that entirely true?

No.

So after that first knee jerk what is left?

Fear.
Desperation.
Worry.
Confusion.
Anger.
Yearning.
Seeking.
Trying.
Failing.
Determination.
Spunk.
Attitude.
Learning.
THRIVING.

My first response was to be mean to myself but coming up with all these other words took thoughtful reflection.

Ah!

Thoughtful reflection.

You mean I need to sit here unemotionally and deal with all of this logically and rationally?

Yes.

Oh hell.

So I took a deep breath and studied my own words.  I looked at them as someone’s advice to me.  I took comfort in them.  I let myself believe they are true.

Then, I did the math.

So I’ve gained around 23 pounds and my body fat percentage has gone up 1.4 percent.By doing the math I know 1.4 percent of my current weight is 3.68 pounds. 

Wait.  Stop.  Hold the phone.

Of the 23 pounds less than 4 pounds is registering as fat?????

Awww, crap.

That means the rest is water and stored glycogen (and other tissue).

19 POUNDS WORTH!!!!!!!!

When I get in my own head I really can be a jerk!

People, the truth is any fool can look at me and see the water.

I see it.

I let myself get all sorts of emotional about it too.

But that’s the trap…when it’s happening to us we do get emotional.

Yeah the number on the scale is ugly but I’m not “fattening” up.

But….as enlightened as I feel…

I’m still not going back to wearing my BodyBugg just yet not because I’m hiding from it but because the bill date is messed up.  They won’t let you change it so the only way to get a new date is to stop and restart.  Lame but whatever.  September 5 I will start again.

I’m also not worrying about tracking my food right now.  We bought a house last weekend so everything is upside down.  My hubs has done much of the packing so it is a great mystery to me where anything is.  We are in between houses and in boxes so I have no idea where most of my tools are.  We also have stopped stocking the fridge so pickin’s are slim.

However, I have another point to prove.  When I’m off track and eating crap, I don’t gain weight.  In fact, two weeks ago I lost 5 pounds.

When I go back to my BodyBugg on September 5, I’ll start tracking again…but partly because that is also the start of something new but you’ll have to wait a bit longer before I am ready to share…

Week 31: Yes, I know it’s Wednesday

Here’s why I’m late….

On Saturday, my hubs and I bought house.

On Sunday we started packing.

On Monday, I fired a client for nonpayment.  She decided to go all stalker-psycho on me.  For the past two days she has been harassing me… Sheesh!

On Tuesday, and missed a call from endocrinologist office. Why do doctors think it’s okay to leave an, “Everything’s fine,” message.  this is my body I want the details of what you think “fine” means because for years I have been told I was  “fine” when I clearly was not. They have yet to return my call.  (A few hours later)  They did.  I swore.  Whatever.

It’s Wednesday morning.  (Oh look now it’s after 10 p.m. and I’m finally getting back to this.)My world is full of humidity and clouds–the kind in the sky and the kind in my head–and my hubs is rearing to go.  My body is screaming and I am trying not to.

Now as for my 31st week.

No BodyBugg.

No plan.

Ice cream.

Pie.

Chips.

LOST…5.4 pounds

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I give up.

SeriouslyNotSeriously

What.

Ever.

Rant aside, my endo did say my TSH is now 2.2.  It should be under 2.  However, I am sure the “magic” weight loss is as a result of my thyroid levels coming back to “normal.”  Confirmation I am the “only” human on the planet to GAIN weight with hyperthyroid levels (Yes, I know I’m not the only one…but I am the only one writing this blog and it feels lonely and insane to have gained 18ish pounds while hyperthyroid).

Week 30–Waiting. Still Waiting.

The only thing I know this week that I did not know last week is my finger is actually broken. As a writer, of course I am not entirely amused. Thankfully, I already own Dragon NaturallySpeaking so I can still be somewhat productive. I did have to replace my microphone headset because it mysteriously stopped working six or eight months ago.

As for everything else, weight loss and hormone related I know bupkis… And please…read that dripping with impatience, frustration, and outright irritation. I also had my sleep turned upside down all week staying up until midnight or later so I could do the cortisol saliva test. Generally speaking, I am a wee bit cranky.

So…

I just decided to do nothing. No counting. No tracking. No recording. I did plug-in my BodyBugg just to keep it charged and when I did I really tried not to worry about the zeros where my calories should be or the step counts. Then yesterday I even forgot to put my BodyBugg back on and have not worried about it since.

I am in a mood people.

Sometimes it is good to know when to take a step back. And sometimes it is good to know when you are being self-destructive. Honestly right now it is probably a little bit of both. I am aware of it and I will pull myself back on track right but now I just need to be. For the past few days and for probably a few days more it is just going to be good enough.

(Yep, this is a day late…and that is also enough for this week.)