Week 32–Calling Myself On My Own Bullshit

As you know, I recently went through an undeserved 20ish pound gain.  And you’ve watched me become entirely unhinged about it.  I’m not about to bash myself for that response.  In the same breath I am going to say, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  Here’s the story of why I know that to be my truth:

Yesterday I was talking with a woman with fibromyalgia.  She has had weight loss surgery and reports flaring almost daily. She has also gained 25 pounds she didn’t earn.  I calmly explained to her…these are my exact, copy and pasted words, because I need to own them to myself:

I have fibro too. When you’re flaring a lot, you store glycogen in your muscles (at least that is one theory and I believe it) and that extra glycogen shows up on the scale as a “gain” but it’s not real. WLS food can mean lots of extra artificial sugar and that’s a huge no for many with fibromyalgia. I just looked up Syntax Nectar…it has two sources of artificial sugars. Artificial sugar alone could be triggering your flares, which is triggering the glycogen storage, which is showing up as weight gain.

So y’all know me being me had to stop and wonder how I could be so kind and supportive to her when I’m flying off the hinges over here.  Now in my theme of being accountable and transparent about this journey, I need to admit my first response is, “I’m a bitch to myself.”

Is that entirely true?

No.

So after that first knee jerk what is left?

Fear.
Desperation.
Worry.
Confusion.
Anger.
Yearning.
Seeking.
Trying.
Failing.
Determination.
Spunk.
Attitude.
Learning.
THRIVING.

My first response was to be mean to myself but coming up with all these other words took thoughtful reflection.

Ah!

Thoughtful reflection.

You mean I need to sit here unemotionally and deal with all of this logically and rationally?

Yes.

Oh hell.

So I took a deep breath and studied my own words.  I looked at them as someone’s advice to me.  I took comfort in them.  I let myself believe they are true.

Then, I did the math.

So I’ve gained around 23 pounds and my body fat percentage has gone up 1.4 percent.By doing the math I know 1.4 percent of my current weight is 3.68 pounds. 

Wait.  Stop.  Hold the phone.

Of the 23 pounds less than 4 pounds is registering as fat?????

Awww, crap.

That means the rest is water and stored glycogen (and other tissue).

19 POUNDS WORTH!!!!!!!!

When I get in my own head I really can be a jerk!

People, the truth is any fool can look at me and see the water.

I see it.

I let myself get all sorts of emotional about it too.

But that’s the trap…when it’s happening to us we do get emotional.

Yeah the number on the scale is ugly but I’m not “fattening” up.

But….as enlightened as I feel…

I’m still not going back to wearing my BodyBugg just yet not because I’m hiding from it but because the bill date is messed up.  They won’t let you change it so the only way to get a new date is to stop and restart.  Lame but whatever.  September 5 I will start again.

I’m also not worrying about tracking my food right now.  We bought a house last weekend so everything is upside down.  My hubs has done much of the packing so it is a great mystery to me where anything is.  We are in between houses and in boxes so I have no idea where most of my tools are.  We also have stopped stocking the fridge so pickin’s are slim.

However, I have another point to prove.  When I’m off track and eating crap, I don’t gain weight.  In fact, two weeks ago I lost 5 pounds.

When I go back to my BodyBugg on September 5, I’ll start tracking again…but partly because that is also the start of something new but you’ll have to wait a bit longer before I am ready to share…

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