Week 42–Chocolate Cake For Breakfast

It’s a quiet Sunday morning in my world.  My hubs and son are working for a couple of hours so I am enjoying the silence.

And, yes I did really have chocolate cake–Gluten Free Deep Chocolate Cake With German Chocolate Frosting–for breakfast.  It was divine.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the past 12 months and the past 10 months as separate beings.

What was working before my thyroid took a nose dive?
What am I doing/not doing?
What do I need to do/not do?

Basically I have distilled it down it to a phrase I have used often since returning to school in 2002…

Take what is useful and delete the rest.

The act of deleting in our technology-driven era is a permanent removal.

Shouldn’t all UN-useful things be permanently removed from our consciousness?

Yes, I know easier said than done.

If only the human mind and soul could be as aseptic and well protected as hard drive.

So chocolate cake for breakfast on Sunday mornings is one of the things that was working for me a year ago.  Not every Sunday.  Just the Sunday’s when chocolate cake was available.  On the Sunday’s it wasn’t there were Nutella slathered waffles, pie, and brunches covered in Hollandaise Sauce aka ‘Reward Day’.

Sometimes my Reward Days weren’t so much about treat food as they were me giving myself a mental break from being so focused on the business of losing weight and gaining health. They were a time to just let my mind go.

As the start of NaNoWriMo is exactly one week *insert total freak out here* away I realize I need to reboot the practice of letting Sunday be my Reward for a week well lived.

I am still on the fence about Carb Cycling in earnest though.  I mean it was working for me.

But…because there has to be a but, right?

Inside one of the folds of my brain is the moment a year or so ago when thousands of people pointed out a mathematical error on the Powell’s Facebook page only to see the error staunchly defended.  I remember searching in vain hoping I was the one with the misinformation while knowing it would be a vain search.  It’s just wrong and I know it, thousands of other people know it too.

And I am not sure how to let myself move past it.

If I am to live my “Take what is useful and delete the rest,” motto Carb Cycling is useful and following the Powell’s not so much.

So then my brain starts…

What’s holding you back?
Why can’t you move past this if it was really working for you?
Are you sabotaging yourself?

Sometimes, the part of my brain which relentlessly questions every. single. thing. really pisses me off to no end.

So to answer my own relentless questions…

Money.  We’ve been living on a razor-thin margin since we bought our house.  Having any food has been a blessing.  Having extra, or special food, or even fresh fruits and vegetables has been impossible.  But, we are starting to pull out of that rut, thankfully.

Honestly, it just really pisses me off.  The whole “Don’t worry about perfection” and “Own your mistakes” message just really fell flat.  Millions of people, myself included, followed but when it really comes down to it the Powell’s do not stand behind their message.  *Taking a deep breath*  But, ultimately that is their problem not mine.  I am only responsible for myself.  The truth is my body likes Carb Cycling.

And, no I am not sabotaging myself.  I went off track with the plan to allow my body the rest while my thyroid was adjusting.  It was just a silly coincidence that I found out about the Powell’s at the same time.  On Thursday, my labs came in and my thyroid is perfect for the first time in probably forever.  Now, I need to respond.  I need to flip the script on my body and swing it back into losing mode.

This is one of those tiny “fork in the road” moments that I had not been paying such close attention I might have missed.

This is the value of this year of accountability and being present.

This is empowered by my own power.

This is how to endure all those curve balls thyroid disease and fibromyalgia can throw at you.

I hired a personal trainer on Monday and she has some great accommodations for me but if I do not bring the food part back on track I might as well be setting fire to the money I am paying her.

It’s time.

On Sundays, I eat chocolate cake for breakfast if I want to because I need a break and I really suck at giving myself any sort of Reward.  One of the things that has been missing is this time to celebrate my hard work with weight loss and with life.  Reward Days aren’t solely about food treats but are also me sitting back and saying, “Good job lady” and being honest–not critical–as I check-in with myself for moments when I could have done better.  Celebrating success is as important–and for those of us who are hyper-critical–perhaps more important than pointing out all our failures.

On Mondays, I Meatless Monday it because it makes me feel good and I have really grown to love the challenge.  I am learning a whole new world of cooking and eating.  Plus, I have found some decadent recipes that make me forget meat.

On Tuesdays through Saturdays, I can Carb Cycle like nobody’s business because it also makes me feel good.  I was doing really well until my thyroid slammed on the brakes.  I can do well again.

Crap, I guess I just wrote my way into figuring out how to let go and get back to it again…writing’s great for that…lol

This is me finding my balance and moving on…..Take what serves you and delete the rest.

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Week 41…What A Difference A Year Makes!!!

This week has been all about letting myself gently look back to this time a year ago.  You see it was mid-October when the first wisps of thyroid rebellion were showing up in my life.

Tomorrow is actually the one year anniversary of my lowest weight since fibromyalgia joined my life.  On 20 October 2015 I weighed 239.2 which was just 2.6 pounds above my pre-fibromyalgia, pre-Lyrica, pre-Cymbalta weight.  Getting to that number was a huge milestone and I was almost there.

And then…

My body…

Grinded…

To a….

Screeching…

Halt.

But in my eternal quest to be transparent…

I can now see…

I…

Dropped…

The…

Ball.

Shit.  Really.  Dammit.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?

Look here’s proof from last year’s blog:

“Seriously, thyroid.”

“You’re throwing a hissy fit because taking 180 mgs of Armour all at once was making you all sorts of twitchy and hyper???????? so I decided to be nice to you and split the dose?????”

“Bitch please.,,whyyyyyyyyyyyyy do you have to be so damned temperamental.”

There it is…The one teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing I changed was asking my doctor to call in 60, 90 milligram tablets so I can more easily split my dose to keep from feeling hyperthyroid.

Yep.

That’s it.

That’s all it takes.

One tiny little toe out of line and the hormones go flying everywhere and the scale just laughs at me.

About three weeks ago, I stopped taking my 180 mgs all at once and started splitting my dose in an attempt to keep my body from being HYPERthyroid in the morning and dead in the afternoon.

Well will you look at that…This was posted 12 October 2015.

But I can be somewhat kind to myself for missing it.

What is “IT”???????

IT is the fact that my INSANE–Oh look there’s that word again–body GAINS weight when it has too much thyroid medication.

How do I know I was getting too much?

Allow me to redirect you to the last bolded paragraph because there it is in strong black…I was feeling “HYPERthyroid in the morning”.

Oh HELL!!!!!!!!!

I’ve never been full on HYPERthyroid and since it’s supposed to induce weight loss I never considered the possibility that myyyyyyyyy bodyyyyyyyyyy just HAS to be different.

Really…UGH

I have been floundering for a whole year with these extra 21ish pounds…A WHOLE YEAR.

However, now that I think we’re on the right dose my body has randomly started losing again.  I say randomly because I’m not really doing much to force the issue.

I haven’t Carb Cycled since I, and hundreds of other people, caught a huge mistake on the official Carb Cycling Facebook page that the Powell’s not only refused to correct but defended when there is no substantiating evidence to support the claim.  It was a huge letdown for me personally and I know it impacted many of their followers.

I’m also not exercising in the traditional sense of the word.  I mean I do move every single day because I know it is good for me but I am not “exercising”.

But, here’s the other thing I see…

I have also stuck in there trying to figure it out.

It wasn’t until July that I bothered to have blood work and was in a state of utter disbelief when the results did show I was HYPERthyroid.  After some research, I learned it is rare to gain weight while there is too much thyroid hormone coursing through your veins.

This is me…so of course.

In a weird way, I am not the least bit surprised…I am weird like that.

Between my broken finger, buying a house, the move, the recovery from the move, and all the other ‘minor’ life moments, it does feel like my body is starting to be back on track again.

I hate these 21 extra pounds…with a vengeance so it is time for them to go.

I am grateful for blogging and having tenacity and for believing in the “impossible” and for course corrections, do overs, and moving forward.

The Year of Accountability

Week 40–Aha! DOH! Aha!

*****NOTE:  This WAS written LAST WEEK…But I managed to fail to actually publish it.
To say that I have been dragging lately would be an understatement.  It has been incredibly easy to blame it on moving.  Truthfully some of it has been.  Moving is stressful on a body under attack.  However, I could not shake the feeling there was something more, something missing.  My idiopathic peripheral neuropathy symptoms had also come back with a vengeance.
I am incredibly grateful this journey I have been on has really taught me to not only check-in with my body but to respond to those little inspirational twinges of, “Is it this?” and to put those flashes into action.

Earlier this week it finally hit me…I have stopped using my non-denatured whey protein supplements.

What does that have to do with anything?

Oh my gosh, I am so glad you asked!!!

Non-denatured whey is the very best source of glutathione.

What the heck is glutathione?
Glutathione is a protein naturally produced in the body but it is also the lead antioxidant and is what actually turns on your energy levels at the cellular level, supports your immune system, detoxes, the liver and keeps chronic inflammation at bay.
It’s also currently being researched in dozens of CFS, Lyme, and fibromyalgia studies with positive results.  One of the drawbacks is it is taking around six months of supplementation to reach full therapeutic value.  Some researchers report patients are, unfortunately, balking at the length of the protocol.
Let me pull out my soapbox…
Improving–not curing–fibromyalgia (or any medical condition) is an extremely long process.  Not only is it long but if you absentmindedly stop doing any of the good things you have found yield your body positive results your symptoms return nearly immediately.  If you want to feel better, you have to be willing to put in the work.  It is truly unfortunate that we live in a “this pill will make it all better” world of medicine because too many people, not just those with fibro, have become conditioned to look for pills rather than changes to their personal habits including diet to help their bodies manage their symptoms.
I didn’t stop using whey on purpose…it just happened as we moved…so the move wasn’t the problem (okay, it was some of the problem but that was two months ago).
Here’s one of the truths I have become so fond of telling….
I stopped giving my body what in needs to keep my energy cycle working at peak levels so the physical and emotional stress to my body has lingered and I haven’t felt like I ever recovered.
Fibro didn’t do it…I did.  Fibro responded. Simple as that.
I am grateful I know the difference.
I have actually been using whey protein for years and years before fibromyalgia happened so I was not fully depleted again.  After my third smoothie, it felt as if a heavy blanket weighed down with symptoms was being pulled off of me.
Glutathione!!!!!!!
Aha!!!!
(And, I also lost two pounds this week!)
Tropical Bliss Smoothie--pineapple, banana, coconut milk, and whey

Tropical Bliss Smoothie–pineapple, banana, coconut milk, and whey

Week 39–Uncomfortably Clueless

As far as weeks go this is probably the most normal one I have had since we moved.  I still cannot quite get the hang of needing to leave at least half an hour early for appointments so I have been late more often than makes me comfortable.

Isn’t comfort a curious thing though?

We all have invisible, arbitrary limits which once crossed inspire feelings of agitation and discord.  We know we have to do something.  We want to rush back to our imaginary zone of comfort.  The panic and dread we feel usually has nothing to do with other people’s perceptions but our own sense of rightness and security.

Being late makes me uncomfortable.

Being in my body, right now, makes me uncomfortable.

This is not one of those self-shaming moments.  I literally do not feel comfortable in my own skin.

The closest thing I can think of to explain it is the late stages of pregnancy…that feeling of being “done” coupled with the love you feel for the squirmy lil’ one.

Emotionally I am in a really good space and I am at peace with who I am.  Yet my body in space feels utterly foreign.  Thankfully, I am not pregnant but if I was at least I would have some light at the end of the tunnel.

Honestly, I have been toying with the idea of just giving up.  It is not so much a defeatist attitude as it is a, “Girl, get real” attitude.  I have been at this a long time and I do not feel like I know my body much better than when I started.  I obviously have not found the right key to unlock my body’s fat burning mechanism.

Thanks to fibromyalgia and all my other disabling conditions I am physically unable to put in hours of gym time to try to force the issue.  Thanks to Hashimoto’s I do not know how to convince my body to lose weight.

So, I have been asking myself, “Why?…WHY am I still doing this?”

To be completely honest that question has been swirling for a lot longer than just this week.  A lot longer.

I follow several fitness professionals and body positive activists but I am troubled by them all because it feels like you have to sort yourself into one camp or the other.

My truth is I am not either.  My body, my soul does not fit either group.

As much as I want to be a weight-lifting-marathon-running-yoga-bending gym rat; I do not have the body that will allow it.

And I am all for loving myself exactly as I am and I do…right up until the point my weight affects my health and future.

There in that lonely, desperate zone I know I am not comfortable in my own skin partly because my skin is stretched by a persistent layer of fat.  Even as I sit here typing my belly roll rubs my arms, my knees strain to flex, and my thighs crush my veins to the point my feet go numb and swell.

I do not like it.

I hate my fat for the things it makes me feel.

It hurts.

It is also unhealthy.

I also love my body for the wonderful things it is capable of but I am unhealthy at my current weight.  It is true.  I can look at it rather unemotionally and wailing all at the same time.

So where do I fit?

How do I get fit?

What the hell does fit even mean to me?

I have been trying to answer that question for 39 consecutive weeks now…just this year alone.

I am NOT defeated so please do not read this that way.

I am just outside my body comfort zone–STILL–and I am still clueless about how to pull my body into a state where I am comfortable in my own skin.

Then I started thinking about IF I have ever been comfortable in my skin.

To go back more than a couple of years absolutely would not be fair.  I have grown so much.

I do have my pictures from my junior college graduation in 2005 when I was feelin’ like a hot mamma…somewhere…somewhere I have those pictures.

Instead I am trying to focus on this one from February because it’s probably the closest I have come in the past few years.  When I first saw this photo, I remember thinking, “Not bad…room for improvement…but not bad.”  I also did not feel ashamed in the way I did a few days ago when I caught my seated reflection in a mirror.  I need this image to replace the memory of the mirror.

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