It’s a quiet Sunday morning in my world. My hubs and son are working for a couple of hours so I am enjoying the silence.
And, yes I did really have chocolate cake–Gluten Free Deep Chocolate Cake With German Chocolate Frosting–for breakfast. It was divine.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the past 12 months and the past 10 months as separate beings.
What was working before my thyroid took a nose dive?
What am I doing/not doing?
What do I need to do/not do?
Basically I have distilled it down it to a phrase I have used often since returning to school in 2002…
Take what is useful and delete the rest.
The act of deleting in our technology-driven era is a permanent removal.
Shouldn’t all UN-useful things be permanently removed from our consciousness?
Yes, I know easier said than done.
If only the human mind and soul could be as aseptic and well protected as hard drive.
So chocolate cake for breakfast on Sunday mornings is one of the things that was working for me a year ago. Not every Sunday. Just the Sunday’s when chocolate cake was available. On the Sunday’s it wasn’t there were Nutella slathered waffles, pie, and brunches covered in Hollandaise Sauce aka ‘Reward Day’.
Sometimes my Reward Days weren’t so much about treat food as they were me giving myself a mental break from being so focused on the business of losing weight and gaining health. They were a time to just let my mind go.
As the start of NaNoWriMo is exactly one week *insert total freak out here* away I realize I need to reboot the practice of letting Sunday be my Reward for a week well lived.
I am still on the fence about Carb Cycling in earnest though. I mean it was working for me.
But…because there has to be a but, right?
Inside one of the folds of my brain is the moment a year or so ago when thousands of people pointed out a mathematical error on the Powell’s Facebook page only to see the error staunchly defended. I remember searching in vain hoping I was the one with the misinformation while knowing it would be a vain search. It’s just wrong and I know it, thousands of other people know it too.
And I am not sure how to let myself move past it.
If I am to live my “Take what is useful and delete the rest,” motto Carb Cycling is useful and following the Powell’s not so much.
So then my brain starts…
What’s holding you back?
Why can’t you move past this if it was really working for you?
Are you sabotaging yourself?
Sometimes, the part of my brain which relentlessly questions every. single. thing. really pisses me off to no end.
So to answer my own relentless questions…
Money. We’ve been living on a razor-thin margin since we bought our house. Having any food has been a blessing. Having extra, or special food, or even fresh fruits and vegetables has been impossible. But, we are starting to pull out of that rut, thankfully.
Honestly, it just really pisses me off. The whole “Don’t worry about perfection” and “Own your mistakes” message just really fell flat. Millions of people, myself included, followed but when it really comes down to it the Powell’s do not stand behind their message. *Taking a deep breath* But, ultimately that is their problem not mine. I am only responsible for myself. The truth is my body likes Carb Cycling.
And, no I am not sabotaging myself. I went off track with the plan to allow my body the rest while my thyroid was adjusting. It was just a silly coincidence that I found out about the Powell’s at the same time. On Thursday, my labs came in and my thyroid is perfect for the first time in probably forever. Now, I need to respond. I need to flip the script on my body and swing it back into losing mode.
This is one of those tiny “fork in the road” moments that I had not been paying such close attention I might have missed.
This is the value of this year of accountability and being present.
This is empowered by my own power.
This is how to endure all those curve balls thyroid disease and fibromyalgia can throw at you.
I hired a personal trainer on Monday and she has some great accommodations for me but if I do not bring the food part back on track I might as well be setting fire to the money I am paying her.
On Sundays, I eat chocolate cake for breakfast if I want to because I need a break and I really suck at giving myself any sort of Reward. One of the things that has been missing is this time to celebrate my hard work with weight loss and with life. Reward Days aren’t solely about food treats but are also me sitting back and saying, “Good job lady” and being honest–not critical–as I check-in with myself for moments when I could have done better. Celebrating success is as important–and for those of us who are hyper-critical–perhaps more important than pointing out all our failures.
On Mondays, I Meatless Monday it because it makes me feel good and I have really grown to love the challenge. I am learning a whole new world of cooking and eating. Plus, I have found some decadent recipes that make me forget meat.
On Tuesdays through Saturdays, I can Carb Cycle like nobody’s business because it also makes me feel good. I was doing really well until my thyroid slammed on the brakes. I can do well again.
Crap, I guess I just wrote my way into figuring out how to let go and get back to it again…writing’s great for that…lol
This is me finding my balance and moving on…..Take what serves you and delete the rest.