Week 46–The Difference Between Feeling And Knowing

Monday morning I marched myself to the gym like a good girl.

It had been two whole days since my personal trainer had seen me.  The gym was quiet at the mid-morning hour.

“So how’s it going…have you noticed any weight loss?”

“Well honestly, I’m sure you want to hear something great but the truth is I’ve gained two pounds.”

And the very next sentence was…

“Have you been cheating?”

Fortunately my filter was fully intact.

I must have had enough coffee and a decent breakfast or something because I usually go off like a Roman candle at this particular question.

“No…this is Tanya’s body 101…I had a little extra pain the past few days…pained muscles store glycogen…so I took a big deep breath said, “What. EVER.” and moved on…happens all the time.”

She just blinked at me.

Despite being fully fed and caffeinated, I did not feel charitable enough to explain it could be a month or more before my body shows an sort of real result on the scale and how I have spent my entire life coming to terms with this normal-for-my-body occurrence.

Now, I’ll spare you the blow-by-blow, play-by-play of the rest of the week other than to mention this is one of the calmer interactions I have had all week.

Because one of the blows is so personal, I’ll just say it was bad enough that for the first time in a very, very long time I dove head first into what was left of the bag of Doritos from the week before and a huge bowl of ice cream (the first ice cream in our house in probably six months).

Oh boy I did not care.  Open mouth insert chip.  When the chips were gone, I remembered the ice cream.  Our bowls are ‘normal’ sized but my portion exceeded the rim of the bowl.

So I ate my feelings.

Big deal.

Instead of getting too down on myself I just shook it off and dealt with the avalanche of nonsense.

I also went to the gym three times this week, took a walk, and exercised a little at home…and I actually drank water plain.

Honestly, were it not for this blog I wouldn’t even mention the chips and ice cream…not because I feel the need to hide them…but because instead of letting them be a delicious slippery slope to more self-loathing behavior I had my moment and then I moved away.

I moved so far way that while I am writing this I am enjoying licking pumpkin protein pudding off a spoon like a little kid and sipping black coffee like a grown-up.

And do you know what I’m feeling right now?

Grateful.

Grateful for my journey.

Grateful I have figured out how to not be the meanest mean girl to myself.

Grateful I do not mind licking homemade pumpkin protein pudding off a spoon not just because it’s good for me but because I like it.  I like the way treating my body with love and respect feels.  Licking it off the spoon is much more fun than eating it the proper way anyway.  Plus it almost has a baked pumpkin pie filling texture and that is one of my all time favorite foods wrapped up in a nice, clean, healthy package.  Score.

So how did a free fall into junk food land translate on the scale?

I LOST 3/10ths of a pound from my real weight which is the one not including the two I had ‘gained’…looks like they were extra glycogen and my ability to shake it off worked.

That folks is the craziness of my body.  I worked hard last week for a gain.  I stuff my face with chemicals, sugar, and crap and I lose 3/10.  Thank you body for not punishing me in my momentary lapse of reason.

HOWEVER….

Because I know this, I also know I have to respect it.  I cannot take it as a lesson to eat junk.

A healthy body is not just a number on the scale.

A healthy body is properly fed with food to deliver the right nutrients for maximum health and energy.

Giant bowls of processed food no matter from whence they came bring disease…eventually.

On one hand 3/10 doesn’t feel like victory…unless I take a deep breath and look objectively at everything I have been through in one tiny little week.

When I do…Pumpkin protein pudding and black coffee are victorious.

Pumpkin

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