Milestones And Disappointment

I have been working really hard the past few weeks.

Damn hard.

Hard enough to CRUSH my goals of falling under 220 before my three-month appointment (two days ago) and losing 50 total pounds (this morning).  I am also about to CRUSH my goal of hitting my lowest known adult weight by 4 July only to not be able to have enough money to travel to my surgeon’s office for my three-month appointment.

My hubs is self-employed and he didn’t get paid on time so I cannot go to my appointment.

If we roll the dice and I roll on down the highway to my surgeon’s office in Las Vegas, a five hour round trip, and one of the people who owes us money does not pay today we won’t have enough gas money for him to keep working tomorrow.

Normally, I do not mind our razor thin existence too much.  It’s hard.  I can do hard things.

Today, my disappointment is leaking out my eyes.

My surgery practice is AMAZING!!!  They’re a whole office full of cheerleaders and I really wanted to share my success with them today.

I’m not the sort who needs tons of people fawning over me.  If anything, it creeps me out.

Today, I earned it.

Today, I wanted it.

For a zillion reasons, this whole journey has been lonely.

The real life friends I included–because other than this blog, I have kept very quiet about it–have not shown up in the way I thought they might.  I kept my circle small on purpose and only included the people who I thought would ‘be there’ for me.  They haven’t.

Maybe that sounds spoiled or self-centered or whatever but, if you’re reading, you probably don’t understand the level of support I feel like I give them.

I know what is going on in many of their lives and it’s far more serious, in a couple of cases life-threatening, than my success.  I do understand the grand scheme of things.  It really is okay.  But dammit, I’m a good enough friend to know and understand.  And, I’m really okay ‘just’ having my surgeon’s office be my cheerleaders except today I can’t even have that much and it’s so damned disappointing.

I have worked really hard…

and now I am working hard to honestly acknowledge my disappointment while avoiding feeling the hollowness of celebrating alone.

50 pounds is AWESOME and I just want to share it with the people who helped me get there and who matter to me and it feels like that’s even asking too much.

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Milestones And Disappointment

  1. First off CONGRATULATIONS…. 50 lbs IS amazing and you have all the right in the world to feel proud and you should! I do understand your feelings about your friends, I have felt it but I’ve built quite the shell around me (and honestly it may not be the way to go…. but that was the only way I found). But all this to say I feel you and I wished you didn’t have to feel disappointment with your joy…. xx

    • Thank you so much Julie! I’m not normally a ‘shell’ person. I’ve been a blogger for years and am totally transparent. But, for this I shut this journey off my FB and other blogs. I have a few friends who desperately want WLS but their insurance won’t approve. I know watching me go through this would have been hard for them. And, then there’s the few who I know would not be supportive one bit and frankly who needs to deal with someone else’s issues while going through this. Not this girl! Anyway, thanks again for your note. Reaching out here was enough so I’m grateful you read and took a moment to respond.

  2. I get this too and am sorry that you’re having to deal with this frustration and disappointment. It must totally suck to miss your appointment. Know that we’re all here rooting virtually for you and celebrating your success – you SHOULD be proud of yourself and you totally should celebrate that! It’s hard when the people in your life don’t show up for you the way you hoped they would… it sounds like you’re giving them a lot of grace, but it might help – maybe just in the case of your closest friend – to say “this is really important to me and I want to be able to celebrate it with you” and see what happens. At least then you tried! And if she still doesn’t come through then say that sentence to *yourself* — It’s important even if your friends don’t celebrate it that you can celebrate it with yourself, all by yourself in a joyful way. Go do something fun outside! Splash in a lake or something and shout out that you lost 50 friggin pounds to nobody! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • Thank you so much Michelle!!!! I am proud of myself. For someone who’s struggled the way I have to lose, frankly I’m ridiculously over the moon…and that’s actually why the sting was so deep…I have struggled and I did want to shout it. I want you to know your words really helped me through my feelings. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.

  3. You’re amazing and doing AMAZING! Just look in the mirror and make sure to remind yourself of that fact every day. Several times a day! You have us cheering and hooping and hollering for you, I promise! This shit’s not easy by miles so make sure you tally up those NSVs too! We are very proud of you!! 😘😘

    • Amanda…Aww such a sweet note…I want you to know I appreciate it. Compared to my past weight loss attempts this IS easy…and oh so hard all at the same time. I know you know what I mean. Part of me is still stunned it’s even working when so many other things have failed so miserably in the past, you know? I was literally jumping up and down when I told my hubs I hit my goals…but frankly he’s a dude without a single medical issue that prevents weight loss. My counselor at my practice told me she was literally strapped to the table asking the surgeon, “What if this doesn’t work too?” so I know she GETS how huge this is. I emailed her since I could be there and she wrote me the coolest note back…it helped…but I’m not going to lie I wanted to jump up and down with her 🙂 Apparently, I’m human after all…LOL

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