I have been working really hard the past few weeks.
Hard enough to CRUSH my goals of falling under 220 before my three-month appointment (two days ago) and losing 50 total pounds (this morning). I am also about to CRUSH my goal of hitting my lowest known adult weight by 4 July only to not be able to have enough money to travel to my surgeon’s office for my three-month appointment.
My hubs is self-employed and he didn’t get paid on time so I cannot go to my appointment.
If we roll the dice and I roll on down the highway to my surgeon’s office in Las Vegas, a five hour round trip, and one of the people who owes us money does not pay today we won’t have enough gas money for him to keep working tomorrow.
Normally, I do not mind our razor thin existence too much. It’s hard. I can do hard things.
Today, my disappointment is leaking out my eyes.
My surgery practice is AMAZING!!! They’re a whole office full of cheerleaders and I really wanted to share my success with them today.
I’m not the sort who needs tons of people fawning over me. If anything, it creeps me out.
Today, I earned it.
Today, I wanted it.
For a zillion reasons, this whole journey has been lonely.
The real life friends I included–because other than this blog, I have kept very quiet about it–have not shown up in the way I thought they might. I kept my circle small on purpose and only included the people who I thought would ‘be there’ for me. They haven’t.
Maybe that sounds spoiled or self-centered or whatever but, if you’re reading, you probably don’t understand the level of support I feel like I give them.
I know what is going on in many of their lives and it’s far more serious, in a couple of cases life-threatening, than my success. I do understand the grand scheme of things. It really is okay. But dammit, I’m a good enough friend to know and understand. And, I’m really okay ‘just’ having my surgeon’s office be my cheerleaders except today I can’t even have that much and it’s so damned disappointing.
I have worked really hard…
and now I am working hard to honestly acknowledge my disappointment while avoiding feeling the hollowness of celebrating alone.
50 pounds is AWESOME and I just want to share it with the people who helped me get there and who matter to me and it feels like that’s even asking too much.