Four Months–The End, The Beginning, But Really Barely The Middle

Yeah, I know that makes one huge heap of sense.  Please allow me to explain.

The End: I have decided to fire my surgery practice.  I’ll try to give you the Cliff’s Notes style story.  My surgeon repaired a hiatal hernia and despite me asking no less than six times, in and out of the hospital, I was NEVER informed and therefore received no aftercare instructions or alterations to the diet plan.  I only found out when I received a bill for charges not covered by the insurance company.  Then last week there was a HIPPA violation when I was sent a lab order for another patient.  If I wasn’t already fuming, that sent me to my outer orbit.  There’s just no amount of anything that is going to make this right.  It means I have to give up my AMAZING nutritionist and that almost makes me want to collapse into a pile of tears.  She’s helped me more than anyone in my whole nearly 13 year weight loss story.  However, the irony is by all appearances the hernia repair has been a failure since the moment I started asking about it.  I’ll be having a barium swallow and complete upper GI series next week to confirm it.

The old me would have just swept this all under the rug but the new me keeps asking myself: “What are the consequences to your progress if you try to hold on to this obviously broken situation?”  I don’t want to find out.  I have spent the past few months ‘fixing’ myself of all the moments I tried to puzzle together the good bits and doing my best to tip-toe around the bad ones.  The best part of all of this is I feel zero need to fix it.  It’s broken.  I didn’t break it so it’s not up to me to run around trying to make it all better.  End of story.

The Beginning: I want to draw my line in the sand and move forward.  Four months ago today I drew a different line in the sand when I had surgery.  It’s not like I can go back and change it, right?  So my job is to continue to move forward.  Today is a different sort of new beginning.  My only concern about moving forward is losing my nutritionist.  Oh I have the food part down and she even agrees.  The scary part is I have a weird body and she’s known exactly how to fix it.  No one has been able to do that for me.  Ever!  I have 12 years of diet failure so it’s not like I haven’t been begging and pleading for help all along the way either.  Fortunately, I have also learned a lot.  I know how to fuel my body.  I just need to hold on to the hope that God and the Universe will continue to place the helpers I might need in my path…and to not go crazy waiting for them to show up.  Today, I am moving forward all alone and all for me.

Barely The Middle:  Here’s the truth: I am two months shy of the halfway point on what is often referred to as the “Golden Window” by many bariatric specialists and patients.  The Golden Window is that magical first year where everything is easy–metaphorically–meaning the bulk of the excess weight comes off as long as the patient is doing her, or his, part.  Sure there are bumps along the way but the first year is very similar to the rapid change in the life of an infant.  Growth. Milestones.  I am not about to let anyone fuck with it.  This is my journey dammit.  My goals haven’t changed.  Of course, it has been feeling like everything is upside down but after a few moments of wildflower therapy on top of a gorgeous mountain it all became clear: I am upset about what happened…not where I have been or where I am going.  Huge difference.  My choice then is to let all the past die where it is and focus on MY GOALS!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh there will be fallout as the surgeon discovers what has happened because in my absolute heart of hearts I cannot imagine he knows but that fallout is the natural consequences running their course.  My goals are independent of the outcome…

Wait, how did I get this strong…

July Goals?

A few weeks ago I joined several Facebook support groups.  I just felt, and feel, like I need to be connected to other weight loss surgery people right now.  Where I am not close enough to my surgeon’s office to attend the support group, I figured this is the next best thing.

Today, one of the group leaders posted:

“What are you July goals?”

My answer was:

“To forget June ever happened.”

Mentally, physically, emotionally…June was just a big, ol’ huge vat of disappointment and frustration…and s-l-o-w weight loss.

How slow?

Slow enough it was my pre-op normal.

Yes, I have let the irony of me being flustered by losing at my pre-op rate sink all the way through my consciousness.

And, do you know what conclusion I arrived at?

My pre-op body and my post-op body are definitely not the same so I need to stop marking my journey now with those outdated signposts.

The truth is…Right now my body is NOT optimized.

Period.

No fussing.  No whining.  No rationalization.

And, it’s July now so how much longer am I going to be circling the drain about what a disappointment June was?

So am I okay with my glibly made goal to erase June from memory?

Uhh, noooooooooooooo.

Here’s my July goal:

20-25g of fiber daily

That’s it.

My new multivitamin pill is not being kind to my system so I need to make sure I am doing everything I can to keep my system running smoothly.

Not being able to buy my vitamin patches is one problem that is only exacerbated by not consuming enough fiber.

Besides, I am at the point where I have a really good handle on everything else except fiber.  When I scroll back through my food journal and when I am honest with myself, it is the one area I, as the controller of all things which enter my body, have slacked on.

Oh I can bitch about my supplement delivery method all I want but until I take accountability for consuming enough fiber I am not doing my body–or my attitude–any favors.

I am just complaining.

That is not me.

I am a woman of action.

That is my truth…and I am grateful a support group leader posed the question so I could knock some sense back into myself.

Sure, it feels lame to count fiber grams but it is always better than feeling gross and bloated because my plumbing isn’t up to plumb.

Pity party over.

Time to get back to me.IMG_8209

 

 

The Day Matters

I can’t help it but it does.  As much as I have gone to decent lengths to not put too much stock in celebrating milestone days for whatever reason the day does matter.  At least right now it does.  Maybe in time I’ll barely bat an eyelash.  Hopefully.

Yesterday 10 May was the second month anniversary of the day I came home from the hospital.  I’m already adamant about not celebrating ‘surgiversary’ or ‘sleeveversary’ days because that puts all the power in the skill of the surgeon.  I also gained almost seven pounds in the hospital.

For me, the day I recognize is my first full day home from the hospital.  You know the day when asking for artificially sweetened, and flavored zero calorie gelatin food-like substance is not me “not sticking to my diet” as one of my nurses put it.  I’m still rolling my eyes over that one.  My throat hurt dammit.  Don’t start my journey telling me zero calorie not-fit-for-human-consumption foodstuff is me falling off the plan.  Okay, rant over.  The day I came home from the hospital there was no nanny telling me what I could and couldn’t do.  All decisions were mine to make and mine to own.  That’s the day of power.  One of the first, was to never resort to giggly zero calorie chemicals in a cup.  In truth, I made that decision long ago.

Anyway…

Let me just say the above rant is indicative of how my yesterday went.  Minus a smattering of swear words.

My body was not cooperating with the ‘celebration’ of the day.  Ten days ago I was so close to losing 40 pounds in two months it was, in the context of weight loss surgery, a slam dunk.

And then…

Last week blew up in my face…in all the best ways.

One of our home businesses has quadrupled in the last 45 days but last week was particularly busy.  I was all over the map, literally.  I personally drove over 400 miles and was a passenger for at least half as many.  And, I stuck to my plan thank you very much.

But, I didn’t hit the 40 pounds lost mark yesterday.

Hold up…If I was sticking to my plan, why didn’t the weight come off?

Well since you asked…

All three major veins in my left leg were damaged by an injury-induced blood clot in 2009.  Excessive sitting, especially driving, allows fluid to pool in my tissues which cranks the scale up.  To help dispatch the fluid my job is to move and take a prescription water pill.

Except…

When your life is that busy taking a pill that makes you pee three times in one hour is not exactly possible.  So I didn’t take it.

I worked hard.

I ate the right things.

I avoided the wrong things.

Hell, I even drank my water and wore my stupid compression socks.

And, I didn’t lose an ounce.

In fact, I think the highest my water gain climbed was 5.25 pounds.

Because of the fluid issue, I do weigh every day but I do not record the numbers.  It can be a mental minefield.  However, I do know it’s also the best thing for my body, my health.  Taking on too much water can be life-threatening.

Once all these very wonderful business moments settled down, I did take the pill.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough to time to eliminate all the water by yesterday morning.

So I missed the 40 pound mark by three miserable tenths of a pound, or a small fast food burger including the bun and condiments.

So I was a little grumpy yesterday…

No, I was a ranting, raving, almost screaming woman who did not pause to breathe for at least 30 minutes explaining all this to my very saintly, patient hubs.

And do you know what he said?

“Do you know what I’m not hearing….All the positives.”

Do you know if I didn’t think it would hurt so much I probably would have jumped out of our moving truck and walked back home?

Positives.  When I’m pissed off?  NOT HELPING ME AT ALL DUDE.

Of course, that’s a lie.

He was helping me.  I just didn’t want to hear it in that moment.  There’s a difference.

The truth is there’s nothing he could have said yesterday to soothe me.

I learned the day does matter to me.

I want to be able to set goals.  Meet them.  And celebrate.

It’s also only been two months so I’m not supposed to have everything figured out.  I’m supposed to be having moments where things aren’t working.  It’s part of the process.

So after we took care of business for the day which, by the way included me scoring another vendor contract with a local store, I came home and took the damned water pills.

As of this morning, I moved on to 40.5 pounds lost…in two months and one day.  I cannot say today feels so good as to erase yesterday but it does feel good.

A day matters.

The day matters.

So does finding balance and moving on…

Week 48–Oh Whatever!!!

Sometimes on the journey to a better life, life happens.  How you roll with those life happens moments determines your ability to stay true to your goals.

Last Thursday night, my ISP decided to cancel my service.  They said they had a termination order for the account.  I did not generate such a thing.  The account is in good standing but they shut me down anyway.

Did that give me tons of extra time to go to the gym?

Nope.

Did I go to the gym at all?

Nope.

Am I worried that my ability to roll with it is damaged?

Honestly a little but I had already planned to spend Friday on a mini-road trip with my hubs and my gym isn’t open on weekends (small town, owner operator) so I can cut myself so slack through the weekend.  Monday and Tuesday, however, was me having a total attitude problem.

Let me pause for a second to say…there’s more going on that I’m not telling you…And…I’m having some writing stress with the company I freelance for…which leads me to Wednesday…

This post was nearly finished on Wednesday morning.  It is now late Thursday afternoon and here I am again trying to steal a few minutes to get my own writing done.  Speaking of done, I am.  Done writing for them that is…just as soon as I can replace the small income I’m bringing in.

I did, however, have Quest protein peanut butter cups for breakfast and didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it.  So, I am making conscious choices while my non-health world needs to be lots less of my consciousness.  My balance is off…again.

It happens.

A lot.

But, I’m slowing tipping it back to what’s most important to me and that’s the part we all have to get very good at if we’re going to meet our health goals.  Life is going to take the reins but we can reach out and snatch them back and that makes all the difference.

Make your own difference.

No one is going to do it for you.

I got this…and so do you.

Week 5–The Good, The Bad, The Ugly…And The Utterly Amazing

One of the good moments was finding out one of my medications, Relafen, was the cause of the severe non-migraine headaches I’ve been having.  It’s frustrating and disappointing.  It made me swear.  A lot.  But, at the same time the water retention it was causing was also causing my brain to swell.  It is good to know that.

However, this is also bad.  Brain swelling????  Effin’ really??????  As if I don’t have enough to worry about now I have to worry about brain swelling too.  My doc thinks it will be a good couple of weeks before my body ‘normalizes.’  He did say that with kid-gloves because he’s been riding the roller coaster non-normal of my body with me for almost six years now.

I do need to stop right here and share another good moment because it will lead us right straight to the ugly.  My hubs FINALLY found a job that seems to be a perfect fit.  The lifting of all the stress, worry, and confusion that comes from not knowing if or when he would find work is quite a bit above just being ‘good’ it is AMAZING (but that’s not the utterly amazing moment…I knew he’d find the right job).

Ironically, that brings us to a lil’ bit o’ ugly.  We’ve been running around like crazy trying to tie-up a bunch of errands, honey-dos, and assorted stuff so his transition back to work is as smooth as possible.  That has meant there’s been a gross amount of fast food in my life.  I have made good choices–bun-less burgers with chili or salad with maybe 10 of my hubs french fries–and I am proud of myself about that part.  But, fast food three times in one week.   That’s so not me.  And while this is not bad we also went out for a celebratory dinner at ‘our’ restaurant (the one where we met) and I ate a few too many of their gloriously fresh tortilla chips.

Four non-cooked-by-me meals in one week.  For me, that’s ugly.  Even making good choices it’s still a sodium bomb in my life.  I’m not too puffy but I am feeling it and the scale is showing it.

So let’s review the past few weeks shall we…massive water weight gain which I now know is a side effect of medication.  Twelve pounds of water.  I knew it wasn’t real.  And now I know that for sure.

So please join me in being utterly amazed that I…..

….was too small for 1X the super cute beach-scene printed top…

….and…

…I put on a size 16 dress…

…and would have bought it…

…except for a few bumps and rolls in the wrong places…

…size 16 people…

…SIXTEEN…

….WITH lingering water retention.

A-M-A-Z-ING!!!!!!

I’m thinking about investing in some shape wear and going back to try that dress on again *huge smile* It was the type of dress that would knock his socks off for our five-star dinner on our cruise.

Size 16!!!!!!!!

Also amazing is my garden coming back to life alreadyWP_20150208_001

My goal for the week: Seven walks.

I know that might sound like a lot but if I do not start putting my feet on the pavement Mexico is going to kill me.  I finally found okay-for-now sneakers.  Not having them is what I’ve been saying has been holding me back.  I have them so now it’s time to put up or shut up.

ACCOUNTABILITY!!!  ACTION!!!  ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ACTIONS!!!!  My year.  My time.

Week 4–

Man, I don’t even know where to start.  I guess the best way to describe this week was a roller coaster–emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.

I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bad week just full.  Very full.

There was a whole lot of me working on building my patience and tolerance for my body’s shenanigans.  However, I also came to the realization that I’m fighting my body in an unhealthy way.  I’m not ‘doing’ anything bad but I am feeling bad about what I have come to know is just part of my normal.  Yes, I am referring to the bloated, puffiness that has been hanging around for weeks.

Here is where I want to stress the importance of keeping your tribe, your circle, your influences positive and solutions-focused.

As most of you know this blog started as I prepared for weight loss surgery and how I later changed my mind.  As I discarded my plans, I kept one of my online weight loss surgery support groups because they are so solutions-focused.

Weight loss surgery breeds creative food solutions that really can work for anyone who is looking for nutrient dense, power-packed meals.  And for anyone who thinks surgery is the ‘easy’ way out I suggest you spend some time in the world of a post-weight loss surgery patient.

Well, in that group a successful loser posted her concerns of some post surgical weight gain.  She gained 12 pounds just having surgery.  I was able to respond to her.  I told her to be patient.  I told her to keep her protein up.  I told her to keep her fluids up.  I told her to move as much as she was able.  I told her the weight loss wasn’t real fat gain.  Even though I had been telling myself all those things, I wasn’t really listening. I go through unearned weight gain several times a year when my body starts crapping out.

So I started asking myself why I wasn’t listening.

Here are my answers:

I’m tired.  I’m tired of my body playing sick jokes (all pun intended) on me.  I’m tired of struggling so hard.  I’m tired of watching other people do what I have yet to convince my body to do (reach a healthy weight).

Then the surgery friend said, “I’m sure we’ll just look back on this and laugh.”

And what felt so good as I reassured her and listened to my own good advice suddenly became this angry moment.

She is going to recover from the temporary weight gain of surgery.

I am not.  No matter what weight I am my body will randomly gain weight and I will go through this again, and again, and again.  Now perhaps with time I’ll learn my body even better and find a level of control over my Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism (autoimmune disease with low thyroid) that I have yet to enjoy which will reduce or eliminate these episodes.

Used without permission from 15pictures.com

Used without permission from 15pictures.com

That’s just one turn on the roller coaster.  I’ll spare you the other twists, turns, and loop-d-loops.

You’re probably thinking I had a bad week, right?

I wouldn’t call it bad.  I would call it a week of growth.

I’d also call it a week for shrinking because I lost………

2.6 POUNDS THIS WEEK!!!!!!

I’m sure a good part of it is some of the water I’ve been retaining because I’m not quite as puffy.  By the end of the day my ankles only look like they’re wearing doughnuts instead of inner tubes *rolls eyes*

So here’s my best advice:  When you have these types of roller coaster weeks, hang on to your plan.  Do your part.  Put in the work.  Put in the time.  When your world is spinning and you’re just not sure what to do just hang on.  Stick to your plan.  Let your plan bring you a sense of peace and order.

Where this is my year of accountability, when I felt like a tornado on the inside this is what I did to use my plan to help me reach my goals:

As much as I was all over the place emotionally, my food was on point.
I made sure I was weighing everything.
I focused on nutrition rather than food.
I took extra steps whenever I could.
I made sure I was getting enough sleep.
I made sure I was drinking my water.
I kept reminding myself that even when my body storms out of my control I am worth the effort.And I remembered the advice of my dear friend Jerry, “Enjoy the ride.”

Hang on…roller coasters only last a few minutes…then they’re over and you move forward taking the experience with you.

 

 

 

 

Week Two: Ugh!

UghUgh!

Just ugh!

But allow me to likely ramble while I elaborate.

Do you remember the pain I talked about last week?  Wellllllllllll it turns out that pain was something.

Oh make no mistake fibromyalgia pain IS something but last week’s pain wasn’t the fibro pain I’m used to.

Fortunately, three weeks ago I had scheduled a check-in appointment with my doctor.  Then on the day of the appointment something more urgent came up.

Isn’t it always the way?

The next morning I headed straight for the nurse practitioner’s office in another city and part of the group of doctors I see.  He always have open appointments.  I was seen in less than an hour after my phone call.

The diagnosis:

Cervical Ridiculopathy.

RIDICULOUS!!!!!

(Yeah, the irony that those two words contain many of same letters is not lost on me.  Not one effing bit).

Now before I dive off into much more of an explanation of this particular pain I am going to stop myself and say simply I left with orders for an MRI with the potential of surgery looming.

That much pain!

I spent the next day and a half pouting.

I usually only allow myself one day but under the circumstances I needed a little more time to work through it.

What has this done to my efforts to lose weight?

Upset them of course!!!!!!!!

Fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s have taught me to march through a lot of pain and dysfunction but yet another new issue which may have life-long consequences?

“C’mon body, work with me dammit!”

Sigh.

I was frustrated and not at all totally on plan.

My food was okay.

On my day and a half of pouting, I did “need” a bag of Skittles.

I wanted fruity, sweet.

I wanted to feel better.

The first 8, 10, 12 Skittles were exactly what I was hoping for.  The rest of the bag honestly tasted like shit.  All the flavors blended together.  The waxy, polished shell was annoying and gross.  And, they failed to satisfy.

However, all the parts of my brain which light up in the presence of sugar were awake for the first time in days.Sugar brain scan

As a drug, Skittles gave me what I was hoping for.

I rarely resort to sugar but….and maybe this is going to be too much TMI for many of you…but when amazing sex isn’t enough of a rush it’s time to bring out sugar.

Yep, sex more than sugar is one of my pain coping mechanisms.

This time it failed.

Ironically even though it was completely a lovely union, when it failed to pull me out of the pain-pit it was a perfect sign something more than just fibro was going on.

When I send fibro pain a rush of intimacy-fueled endorphins, she says, “Thank You Nice Lady,” and calms down at least for a little while.  This time.  Nada.  Okay, not true but only maybe 15-20 minutes of post-coital bliss.

What has pain done to my commitment to move?

Honestly, not much.

Am I doing much with my upper body?  Uhh, that’s a big, fat NO!!!!!!!

But am I still moving?  Yep.  Even on my days when I was “resting” I was still getting up every 60-90 minutes.

How’s the scale look?

Bloated.

Not weight gain, bloated.  Water retention, bloated.

One of the things chronic pain has taught me is just how much our muscles rely on water to process pain and in this case injury.  Any pain event causes the scale to jump not because I’m being ‘bad’ and not doing the things I need to but because my body is in recovery mode.

As much as I know this, it’s soul sucking to see the scale and my body puff-up.

However this experience reinforces my message that when you are trying to lose weight with fibro, thyroid disease, or even your run of the mill ridiculous, ridiculopathy you have to keep you head on straight.  You have to know in advance what you are going to do and more importantly NOT do when pain hits you.

My best advice:  If you can conquer the mental part of the game and only use food as a tool–even a little sugar–to vault you from where you are to where you need to be, when you body is back to behaving you won’t have to battle extra and real weight gain.

WP_20150108_001My best, BEST advice: DRINK WATER!!!!!!!  If you’re a water-hater like me figure out what you need to do to DRINK WATER anyway.  My new favorite is no sugar, no artificial sugar, lightly flavored seltzer water.  Flavor it!  Infuse it!  Drink mix it!  JUST DRINK IT!

I also love that the name of the store brand is “Super Chill” because I have been needing to do a super lot of chilling this week.

In a weird way my new water find has been a comforting reminder this pain is going to pass.  It might be a speed bump now but it is going to get better.  If I keep my head, it won’t throw me off track too much.

Keep Calm…and move on…even if you need to ugh, ugh, ugh along the way.

 

 

 

 

First Week–Ring In The New, Remember The Old

It has been a pain-filled week.  Weeks like this make losing weight with fibromyalgia even harder…not impossible…just harder.

I did lose two pounds.

I did NOT exercise (what you would think of as “exercise” anyway) for even five minutes all week.

I do stretch multiple times a day.  Plus several years ago I started building movement into my normal routine.  If able, I park a few extra spaces from the door.  I make sure and move every hour or, at most, every two hours.  I look for opportunities to get an extra step or two every chance I get.

As for food, my man and I are having a struggle.  He’s normally a SAINT but this week he’s been trying to feed me carbs when he knows it’s low carb day and tempting me with Cherry Coke (my favorite Reward Day beverage).  We even had a little tiff about it.  We rarely have tiffs about anything.

Lesson: Your support system is going to fail you at times so decide now what you are going to do when it does.

Between you and me, he’s off the healthy eating track and instead of doing something about it there seems to be an effort to pull me off.  I confronted him about it and he says that’s not the case but garlic bread and Cherry Coke are louder.  He says he supports me.  And he does.  He says I am happier when I’m Carb Cycling.  And I am.  But, when the garlic bread comes with, “I know it’s low carb day but…” then there’s more going on than he is admitting.  Because I am aware of it I can almost not take it personally.

However, there’s another thing I needed to be on guard about.  The more he tried convincing me that I “needed” those carbs–no human ever “needs” soda–the more I could feel myself wanting to restrict them even further.  It’s an old, super old behavior that hasn’t been an issue in my life for so long I cannot even remember the last time other than to say my teenage years.

Lesson: Everything you think you have conquered will show up again.  You can either see it as an excuse or a moment to shine.  It is up to you to decide which it’s going to be….and if you pick excuse then hold yourself accountable and pull yourself back on track. 

In my family food was used as a means of control.  I once changed my mind about pancakes but since they were already made I was forced to sit at the table until I ate them.  I ended up sleeping there.  I did not eat the pancakes.  There was also the ever popular, “If you do something good, you can have (junk food).”  But by far the one I fought against the most was, “There are starving children in China” argument.  Even as a pre-teen and teen I could clearly recognize food as a weapon.  It is what lead me to disordered eating and trying so desperately to be an anorexic (weak gag reflex but I exercised up to five hours a day to compensate).

All of that control, all of that battle mentality rushed back the more my husband tried to feed food I do eat but never on LC day.  However, as I recognized the rush of memory and remembered where I had been and how when I started this journey 12 years ago I vowed I would never resort to extreme tactics or to weaponize food; I could find a sense of calm.

That Cherry Coke has been waiting in the refrigerator since Wednesday.  It’s Reward Day today and I’ll drink it when I am ready to enjoy it.

Lesson: No matter if you use Carb Cycling or not, build moments into your plan when you are allowed a little something sweet or special.  For YEARS I thought this was a lame excuse by food addicts to cheat.  The truth is Carb Cycling a la Chris Powell has taught me for my wonky Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis metabolism Reward Day is CRUCIAL to keep my body from shutting my weight loss efforts down. 

Aside from that my food hasn’t been great this week.  I had one day where I had three protein bars to avoid eating “bad” food and because I ended up extremely busy and unprepared.  Three protein bars are always better than junk food.  But having a day that caused three protein bars is a signal my life was off-balance and that’s not good.  Honestly, pain and her accompanying sleep issues were part of the equation.  I woke up late: protein bar.  My schedule backed up: protein bar.  I needed something healthy but not filling: protein bar (but had I eaten normally during the day I wouldn’t have felt the need).

The best thing about my week: finding unsweetened, flavored seltzer water.  I have been drinking one, 1-liter bottle a day.  I HATE water.  Light bubbles and a hint of flavor make all the difference in the world.

Lesson: No matter how much you think the week has sucked find just one thing to pat yourself on the back about.  Losing weight with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease (or whatever you are dealing with) is hard enough.  Find that one thing and congratulate yourself for getting it right.  You do not need to be perfect to lose weight.  Just incredibly honest.

Here’s my best advice when fibro is kicking your butt, your support system isn’t playing nicely, old bad habits rear their ugly head, and when you just feel like you can’t do it:

Eat Like You Love Yourself

 

The Insanity of Weight Loss with Thyroid Disease CI#96

We all know Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity, “”Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  Let’s assume Mr. Einstein is correct.  I am like so totally sure he is because he’s like Einstein? (said in my best Valley Girl voice).  Then my only conclusion is losing weight with thyroid disease is insane.

As you know I’m in the thick of trying to get thinner and right now I am the living embodiment of those words.

I get up every morning and take my meds.
I wait the hour to eat.
I eat good food.
I move.
I eat some more good food.
I move some more.
I wait two hours to take more meds.
I wait one more hour.
I eat.
I move.
I move some more.
I eat.
I move.
I watch some t.v.
I move a little bit.
I wind down my day.
I go to bed.

AND I GET UP AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN THE NEXT DAY!!!!

Now as I have mentioned before Carb Cycling helps curb some of the insanity by forcing me to alter my foods to help my metabolism respond better and it does work.  However for the awesome-sauce potential of Carb Cycling and of my own actions the insanity part is neither of those things has the same effect on my weight loss as my thyroid.  It is totally out of my direct control.  Oh sure I am responsible to do all the good things I need to inspire weight loss but sometimes my thyroid can throw a giant hissy fit give me a big ol’ “Bitch please.”

You should know I do imagine my thyroid as a drama queen.  It helps especially in moments like……….

NOW WHEN I’M DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND TURBO CYCLING AND I GAINED TWO EFFING POUNDS THIS WEEK.

“Bitch please.”

I moderate a group of fellow carb cyclers.  Most of them are normal.  Most of them lose a bazillion pounds a week.  Most of them do not have any idea how hard it is to not cry, be jealous, or throw my own thyroid-induced hissy fit.  Instead I give them my “Woot, woots” or “Way to go” and cry silently because I so desperately want a healthy body.  Most of them cannot wrap their heads around the insanity of thyroid disease much less how lucky they are to be able to put in the work and get the results and I do not try to force them to understand either.  It’s just not my place.  However sometimes it means I am also silent in front of the few who are likewise afflicted with insanity.  Sometimes I do not let them see me struggle because I’m supposed to be their cheerleader too and because the group is about Carb Cycling and not the insanity of losing weight with thyroid disease.

Here…well…this is my space.

And I do want them to know I am sitting here in the dark with just the glow of my monitor and my Eiffel Tower desk lamp with tears rolling down my face because I am living insanity.

I GAINED TWO POUNDS ON TURBO CYCLE.

Bitch please…I think I will.

Yesterday I reached out to one of my insane sisters because I knew she would understand.  She did and that makes me sad too because I know the hurt, the pain, and the frustration all too well.  In part here is what I said:

I absolutely understand….more than I can express….I do not choose to be fat. In fact, all my choices say I should not be and I feel trapped in a body I don’t….it’s beyond understand or feel I deserve…it’s like the me I am and the me in the mirror are not the same woman.….and it’s not in a dis-associative way…I just do not feel comfortable in my own skin even though I am comfortable with myself.

Her response was a very tiny, very heavy, “Me too.”

And if you are reading this with thyroid disease I know and feel the weight of your tears as you mutter your own, “Me too.”

I wish I had some magic answer for us all.

Today I have tears.

Today I share your tears.

Today is Sunday.

Sunday is Reward Day and I am honestly going to have to extra cautious so I do not let my emotions show up on my plate while being grateful I have an extra 1000 calories to play with today.

Then some time between now and tomorrow I have to get my head straight so these tears do not spill over into tomorrow because one of the greatest lessons of Carb Cycling ala Chris Powell is letting yourself have a moment of frustration WITHOUT letting it carry through to the next day.  It is one of the things that made me fall in love with his philosophy.  For over 18 months I have seen the power of leaving my tears on the day I found them and working up the courage to try again tomorrow even in the face of the insanity that losing weight with thyroid disease can be.

Last week my solution to that insanity was to give Turbo Cycle a whirl this week because the only way to stop the insanity is to….change.

I weigh more today than I did last Sunday.

FAIL…

No…I did not fail.  I got it right.  So what gives?

Here’s the thing: Thyroid disease is like a Disney movie in that there are Easter eggs to be found (If you do not know and “Easter egg” in movies is something the film makers insert into a scene as an inside joke) if you know what you are looking for.  So let’s go over a few things I noticed that I have just now realized as “Your thyroid is off” Easter eggs:

I took a nap this week.
I drank coffee at night and had zero trouble falling asleep.
I am not pooping every single morning.
I have zits.
I have needed to wash my hair every day.
I have ashy skin.
I’m crying in the dark.

Look at that basket full of out-of-balance hormonal Easter eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhh…..

Wait…..

Wait a damned, fluffy, Easter bunny butt minute…..

Something changed….

It’s slowly coming to me…..because oh yeah….I’ve been extra spacey this week too…..

Almost there….

Something…..

Wait….

There it is….

You changed your thyroid medication.

“Damn it.”

“Seriously, thyroid.”

“You’re throwing a hissy fit because taking 180 mgs of Armour all at once was making you all sorts of twitchy and hyper???????? so I decided to be nice to you and split the dose?????”

“Bitch please.,,whyyyyyyyyyyyyy do you have to be so damned temperamental.”

There it is…The one teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing I changed was asking my doctor to call in 60, 90 milligram tablets so I can more easily split my dose to keep from feeling hyperthyroid.

Yep.

That’s it.

That’s all it takes.

One tiny little toe out of line and the hormones go flying everywhere and the scale just laughs at me.

About three weeks ago, I stopped taking my 180 mgs all at once and started splitting my dose in an attempt to keep my body from being HYPERthyroid in the morning and dead in the afternoon.

It’s so little, so slight that it might have gone unnoticed if I had not been looking for those Easter eggs/inside jokes aka every little change in my body.

I am still taking my medicine appropriately.

I am still eating right.

I am still moving right.

I am still drinking my water.

I am still getting enough rest.

So why did my weight loss start to crawl and then make me GAIN doing the exact same things….

C’mon….say it with me now….

“BECAUSE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT WITH THYROID DISEASE IS INSANE!!!!!!!!”

But not impossible….IF…..you’re into looking for Easter eggs and you understand the insanity you’re dealing with.

Our thyroid bodies are not like normal bodies so something as seemingly innocent as changing when we take the exact same medication we always take can have disastrous consequences to our weight loss bodies.

Crazy.  I know.

And I was worried I was not going to be able to find the courage to face the day, the extra 1,000 calories, and another week of trying to wrangle insanity.

“Will you excuse me for a moment while I go swallow the other half of my dose?”

I’m back.

I’m on the road to feeling better.

My tears are dry.

In their place, my mind is flooded with over a decade of memories of moments like this when I would go spiraling wildly out of control and toward me being a snarling, angry beast toward my body.  But, I found the Easter egg.  I took action so now I can get back to me.

What I said to my friend is the truth.  I do love my body.  I am very comfortable with who I am even my hissy-fit-throwing thyroid and her ridiculous attempts to throw me off track and I do want to work to bring the woman I feel I am closer to the woman I see when I look in the mirror.  It is not a vanity thing as much as it is a harmony thing.  I want to bring my body in closer harmony and there is no better way than paying attention to my body and figuring out how to get what I want to work with the insanity of trying to lose weight with thyroid disease.  Sometimes the path to harmony is a river of tears.  It is okay to cry and be frustrated as long as you keep trying to figure it out.

From over a decade of experience losing weight with thyroid disease, I absolutely can promise you it is the little things, the things so small you think they do not matter like changing the way you take you medication.  Sisters (and brothers) be brave, be willing to go on your own egg hunt.  Get to know your body…YOUR BODY…not anyone else’s.  Getting advice from me or others is great IF it works for you.  If not, then you need to figure out what does.  Maybe you’re lucky enough that when you take your medication does not matter but do you REALLY know that or do you just think you do?  I ask only because for over a decade I would have sworn it didn’t matter.

Losing weight with thyroid disease does NOT have to be insane if you are willing to change your mind–and your medication dose or timing.  Easy, right?  I’d say I’m exhausted for being on this roller coaster of emotion but the truth is for the first time in weeks I feel empowered again.  I feel like me.  I like me.  Now it’s your turn.

PS…I just clicked back to Facebook and the first post I see is from the Carb Cycling group a normal person lost a bazillion pounds last week doing Turbo Cycle.  Two hours ago I would have been pretty near inconsolable to read her victory.  Now, I can go congratulate her and mean it.  However, I’m also grateful to not share her fear of Reward Day after such a loss.  Instead, I am going to feel grateful that I now how crucial Reward Day is to making sure my metabolism does not drop.  After over 18 months of Carb Cycling and using my BodyBugg/BodyMeida I know my metabolism is as strong as the day I started and I attribute that to learning it needs those kickstarts like Reward Days and Slingshot weeks to stay healthy.  I guess I would not trade my problem for hers.  Now, that’s insane 🙂

PSS…The video for this post just redirects my Give It 100 followers here but if you want to see my greasy hair and zits here ya go https://giveit100.com/@THRIVINGfibro/nfjebj/96

PSSS…Thank you dear insanity sister for our chat.  I do not think I would have worked myself back up to feeling empowered again without your gentle “me too.”  Thank you sweetie.  Please don’t give up.  You can do it!

 

 

 

 

Maybe It’s A Stretch…And I Don’t Care, CI#91

I have said a bazillion times throughout my chronic life talking it out is always helpful when you are talking in a positive, moving-forward sort of way.  This morning I had a moment of crystal clarity.

Yesterday I admitted to pouting about my weight-loss-aversary on Wednesday.  Honestly,  I am still pouting a little.

But…

In asking myself the tough question, “Did you sabotage yourself?” and waiting for the real answer, the real issue to reveal itself–No, the truth is the medication and dosage was damaging my body and therefore it needed changed–I also started thinking about how I first found Carb Cycling.

If you remember, I was prepping for a vertical sleeve gastrectomy when I started this blog and it was nearly a month before I even learned what Carb Cycling is.

And slowly the light dawned…

I did not start Carb Cycling until later in July.

*cue bells, whistles, and a shaft of purple glitter-filled light*

I opened up my trusty Fitday journal and went back 12 months.

My 28 July journal entry reads like this:

“Holy shit…this carb cycling thing works…three days and my plateau is busted.”
Yeah that means that even before July was over last year I had already stopped losing.

Not even a whole month!!!!

That is the kind of nonsensical behavior I have been putting up with from my body most of life.  There were so many months I would lose maybe a pound one week and then nothing for weeks on end.  My longest plateau was 11 months….YES MONTHS!!!!!!!

Carb Cycling changed all of that.

Right now is the only time I have been stuck for more than 10 days since I started using it.  And I know Carb Cycling isn’t the problem.

*insert lots of muttering about stupid doctors, thyroids, and lame medications*

*Shake it off*

Anyway that makes my Carb Cycling start date 25 July.

16 extra days.

I’ll take ’em 🙂

And I will celebrate both days because both days are a turning point in my personal weight loss journey….which may not be all it seems.

My best advice: JOURNAL!!!!  Because I journal I was able to know what I was doing a year ago, because I journal I was able to give my body 16 more days to reach that “magic” milestone, because I journal I was able to lift myself out of a funk, because I journal I was able to find hope, because I journal I empowered myself to keep pushing forward.