2017~The Year Of…

Okay before we get to that…Let’s go on a little detour shall we…

So a couple of days ago when my thoughts for this post were really starting to gel I decided to look up the opposite of the word resolution.

Do you know the opposite of resolution off the top of your head?

Yeah, me neither.

Last year’s 365 days of anti-resolutions was such a boon for me I went in search of a catchy word to use this year.

Do you know what I found?

A huge pile of negative words…

Here they are according to Merriam-Webster:

deadlock
draw
halt
stalemate
standoff
tie
doubt
incertitude
indetermination
uncertainty
aversion
disinclination
indisposition
reluctance
unwillingness
hesitation
indecision
indecisiveness
irresoluteness
irresolute
vacilliation

What?

I kid you not I stared at the screen for a good 20 minutes trying to process the weight of those words.

Even now as I’m writing this out I’m still so stunned I can hardly believe it because other than the healthy dose of doubt going into my weight loss surgery and through the rest of my resolutionless year I cannot tag a single one of those words to my experience.

Letting myself off the hook with sane, reasonable, and even downright unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions was…

liberating
freeing
courageous
beautiful
open-hearted
open-minded
brave
empowering
transcendent
transformative
light, illuminating
light, carefree
patient
compassionate
peaceful
curious
grounding
beautiful
stabilizing
and frankly, a little scary at first

But what an amazing year it’s been.  A wild ride.  In many ways one of the hardest years of my life.  To be perfectly frank, in some ways the hardness of the year helped to dull the excitement of finally, FI-NAL-LY seeing my body lose weight.  The lowlights formed an abyss however.  I consumed so much mental and emotional energy to keep me from succumbing to it that sometimes I felt that’s all I was doing.  I have been describing it as my best, worst year.  However the irony is that is where The Year of Probability helped me so much.

“Just believe things are probable,” became my peace-phrase whenever life would shove me off a cliff.

Without the weight of goals, I could just let the year be…ugly, unpredictable, gorgeous, and brave sometimes all at the same time.

My plans didn’t get ruined by all these life moments.  As I started noticing life was happening but I was still working toward nothing specific really the harder I wanted to work.  Every time life would knock me back, I would take some time to lick my wounds, and then say, “Okay Life…But, I’ve got goals to get.”  Beautiful, undefined, unlisted, unresolved goals.

I wish I could go back in time to remember if there was someone or something which inspired me to let my soul focus be believing in the power of probability but I honestly don’t remember what it was.

But as the year progress I did most definitely recognize the alchemy brewing.

So here I sit in the pre-dawn hours of 2017 still basking in that magic and grateful 2016 is so yesterday.  For as much as I learned I’m not sure I’m all too eager to repeat the violent lessons.

No sir.  No ma’am.

Today I am eager.

Eager to move forward.

Eager to apply the things I’ve learned.

Eager to prove my mettle.

So it is with great jubilation that I proclaim 2017…

The Year of…

FLUX

flux
FORAGE

forage
FANTASY

fantasy

Flux: flow, continuous change, a substance used to refine, to make fluid
Forage:to seek, to wander in search of, to collect from nature
Fantasy:unrestrained imagination, visionary ideas, forming mental images, supposition

Umm, yes please.

This is year is all about letting myself go in bolder, braver ways than I could have ever let myself fantasize about 365 days ago.  It’s about gathering-in all that is before me and using it for my own good.  It’s about allowing the probability of change without forcing it.

Having goals is great but 2016 taught me it’s not so much about creating a checklist to get to them as it is not limiting myself to one set of turn-by-turn instructions.  Sometimes those wrong turns, those dead ends, those unexpected orange cones forcing you to a single lane where you’ll be stuck for hours lead you to the most amazing moments of your life and if your too focused on the list you made under the crush of the clock striking twelve you might miss out on what you were really supposed to learn on your journey.

Be open…know what you want but be open to the 10,000 other ways you can get there.

Flux, forage, fantasy…welcome 2017.

 

 

 

 

2016~The Year of Probability

That’s what I dubbed it and oh baby was it ever!!!

Last year I decided to try something radical.  I made no resolutions.  No goals.  Squashed all expectations.  Instead I forced myself into letting the year just be.  Not letting myself off the hook with the work…Oh no, no, no.  But really unhooking the mindset that if I do A, B, and C perfectly then X, Y, and Z will be my rewards.

Gah!

Hardest thing ever!!!!!

But this is my body so c’mon it’s way past time for me to drop that nonsense, right?  I mean if you’ve been following along for even five minutes you know that’s my “MY” body.  So I quit.

probability-quote

I embraced probability.  I knew I was having weight loss surgery so therefore I would probably lose weight.

Probably.

Yep that’s all I was giving myself.

After years of ABC = XYZ thinking I had to let go.  Honestly, it’s the only thing I hadn’t tried (kinda like having weight loss surgery).

And guess what?

The world did not end.

Well, hell.

You mean to tell me I do not need to be all wrapped up in minutia?  I don’t need to be perfect?  I don’t need to work harder?  I don’t need to spend countless hours planning and scheming?

“No darling girl…this is not what you and your body need.”

“Oh…”

Guess what else?

I had the most successful year of my life in terms of feeling peace and contentment with the body I have.

Well, whattaya know!

Having weight loss surgery in March was no guarantee in my mind.  Over 12 years of diet failure makes it really hard to get excited about anything, even something as radical as weight loss surgery, actually working.

But it did.

It worked beyond all my timid fantasies and certainly beyond my ability to believe.  It worked in part because I worked.  I put in the effort with zero expectation of reward.  Win, lose, or draw I knew there was no going back so my commitment had to be something other than losing X number of pounds.  My 2016 commitment was to just be the same me I’ve been for years.  You know the one who’s been eating right and exercising appropriately.  That’s me under the flab anyway.

Me with a vertical sleeve gastrectomy is over 80 pounds lighter.

I am almost at the end of my losing phase and on to my living phase.

In less than 10 months!

I promise you no one is more shocked than I am.

In less than 10 months my body and this tool combined to do what my body and no tool could not in over a decade of working at all of a lot harder than I am now.

I am NOT dismissing the work  I am doing now.  Just highlighting how even with so much more effort I wasn’t able to arrive where I am now.

This is what MY body needed.

I mean just look at the difference!!!

I am so grateful I was brave enough to try and to believe in the power of probability.  I am also infinitely grateful for the many lessons remaining open to all that is probable have brought to me.

Tomorrow I’ll announce my focus for 2017 and how I am putting the lessons of this year into even deeper practice.

PS…I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long!!!  My computer crashed in November.  Then in December a partial small bowel obstruction put me in the hospital for eight days.  I am so grateful to be coming back into me so strong on the last day of the year.  I love that it’s ending just as it began.

 

Week 25–Wait, wait, wait…I see a chin

If you’re my Facebook friend, this is going to be a bit of a repeat.  It’s late.  I’m wide awake, thanks to a late nap, and I’m still cleaning house.  But here’s the thing I didn’t say on Facebook….three weeks ago I would totally trashed regardless of the nap.

If you’re my Facebook friend, you also know I have been doing the 100 Days of Selfie project.  Thanks to it I can see the progression of my face and how my thyroid levels affect my appearance.  Today I took a smiley selfie and just as I was about to post it I noticed my chin was even more defined than last week and the week before.  It’s been a while since I’ve had a non-scale victory.

Progress.

The scale, however, was trending up when I last looked on Friday morning.

Sigh.

I haven’t looked since them because honestly I needed to just not know.  I’m not being “bad” food wise I just needed to not have a stupid number ruin my weekend.  Now that I noticed my chin, I’m really glad I don’t know the number on the scale.  I know it’s partially lying to me anyway.  I know most, if not all, of the gain is water simply because my clothes still fit the same as they did a month ago even though the scale is up more than five pounds.

I’m also working a hunch.

Quite by accident I mentioned how us chronic babes need to keep an extra close eye on our hydration status during the heat–108+ in my world–and how water isn’t going to be enough so to use sports drinks to maintain electrolyte levels.

All the bells and whistles started chiming…I have been drinking plenty and still feeling parched and “off”–lethargic, weak, more tried–all signs of dehydration AND electrolyte imbalances.  Friday morning, I bought a Gatorade and felt better almost instantly.  Since then I have been working on building my electrolytes back up with homemade electrolyte solutions.

Today I wore my most restrictive socks just to see what would happen.  My neuropathy has been going nuts but the retention is not as bad as it has been.  Maybe I’m on to something.  I know I feel better.

Moving on to next week…